The Rich Bitch
Hermes, Chanel, Gucci, and Wang. This persons feed is more clogged with designer labels than Charlie Sheen’s nose is with cocaine. There’s a photo of them walking up the steps to a private plane, and another of them drinking straight from a 15L bottle of Don Perignon like it’s a glass of water from their bedside table. You have no idea how they afford all of this, in fact, how do you even know this person? You don’t. You’re just a creep like the rest of us visually taking a taste of the #goodlife.
The Gym Rat
Every time this person goes to the gym, a mini photo shoot is sure to ensue. They’ll work out for a calculated amount of time, just enough to get a dewy look going, before taking a selfie with hashtags like: #sweatisjustyourfatcrying or #thinspiration. This person has been placed on earth to haunt your soul and make you question your dinner decision. You like it, because lets be clear, they do look awesome, but you also secretly hate them.
This person is always out trying new restaurants or tearing it up in their kitchen, making meals that even Gordon Ramsay would love. They craft the lighting and plate the food perfectly. They stand on the heads of their friends to get a high enough angle of the table for all of the plates to be shown. They will juggle a baby in the air if it meant making more space. Don’t even think about moving that fork. It was placed in that exact position for a reason, so don’t fuck shit up, okay? Also, these people are Satan.
The Person Who Posts Too Much
This person will upload every. single. photo of their night out onto Instagram consecutively as if it was going into a Facebook album of some sort. Now, don’t get me wrong, Instagram is a photo sharing app, and people are able to use it how they darn well please, but can we all just agree on one thing? Pick 1 or 2 of those #amazing, #flawless, #ilovelife photos from your night out, and leave the blurry picture of your friend passed out on the table to the imagination.
The Person Whose Feed Looks Like A Magazine
No, you’re not eating a beautiful bowl of berries on your IKEA sheepskin rug, with your laptop and polaroid camera perfect placed beside you, as you browse through this months issue of Vogue. No, your desk is not that perfect, and no the human hand does not naturally hold an ice cream cone in that position. You just want to show off your awesome manicure and cute Forever 21 midi-rings. We see you.
This person has a big collection of 0 posts on Instagram, yet follows 523 people. You almost always forget that they even have an Instagram account until they reference one of your pictures the next time they see you. They never like anything, just use their stalking powers for good (most of the time) to keep up with their friends or family. Or to follow big booty hoes without judgement. Whichever.
This persons feed is entirely made up of photos of them and their friends out at the club enjoying life. Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, these studs are out shaving 10 years off of their lives no matter the day. These are also the same aliens currently walking amongst us that never experience hangovers. They spring out of bed after a 4-day bender and head to work as if all they did over the weekend was sit in the library and discuss foreign affairs. They usually have great hair, too, which makes you envy them even more.