1. Waiting to text back. Why do we play this game? I just do not understand. I’m newly single, out of a long-term relationship, and my friends had to give me a “lesson” on texting. What in the what? Why should I wait a few hours before answering your simple question, in fear that you’ll think I’m “too available?” And then how soon is too soon and how long is too long? I can’t keep up with this Do you want to go for coffee or not? Granted, you may just be genuinely busy, but come on. It’s 2014. You’re a lying sack of shit if you’re trying to convince people that you didn’t pick up your phone in 3 hours.I say we destroy this Texting Game.
2. “I’m fine” when you’re not fine. I think it’s safe to assume that everyone experiences at least one moment in their life when they claim to be fine when they’re actually not. You shut down your emotion when faced with the question “Are you okay?”, maybe after a break-up; maybe after the death of a loved one. Is it fear of burdening others with our problems? Or are we all just liars?
3. “I don’t judge.” Lies. All lies! Maybe you don’t mean to, but guess what, you’re doing it. In fact, by the time you finished reading #1, you probably judged what type of person I am. A recent study conducted by researchers over at Harvard Business School concluded that within less than a second, we make “spontaneous trait inferences” about people. So basically, we’re all judge-y assholes.
4. “I’m leaving my house in 5 minutes.” No you’re not. You’re still doing your hair and you don’t even have your pants on yet. I see right through you, liar.
5. Money doesn’t buy happiness. In a literal sense, this is true. You can’t go to a store, pick up a jar of happiness, and spread it all over your body for you to bask in. However, I’m pretty sure things like pizza, iPads, electricity, new shoes, and a vacation to the South of France is quite close to that of happiness. And if I’m wrong, well, I’d rather cry in a mansion than in my 9 x 9 bedroom.
6. “Just one more episode.” What is laundry? What is work? What is breathing, and what exactly is the sun? You’re not sure, and frankly, you don’t really care, because there’s still 4 more episodes of Dexter that you need to watch.
7. “I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.” Just stop.