1. One-Date-Wonder William:
The guy you met on Tinder. You went out for a drink and he spent most of the evening talking about how much he hates Carl from HR. You text your friend in the bathroom and request an emergency “OMG JASON BROKE UP WITH ME AND I NEED YOU NOW” phone call.
2. Hangout Harry:
This is the guy that you’re actually not dating. Or are you? You’re not sure. A title has never been put on anything, and conversations about the topic are just never brought up. You hang out during the week, are sleeping together exclusively, have watched a full season of Downtown Abbey together, yet you have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Am I your boo-thang or am I not your boo-thang? TELL ME HARRY!
3. Serious Steven:
This is the guy who you thought you would marry. Who was the reason behind your wedding board on Pinterest. Who you went apple picking with, and who’s family you knew. Who you were madly in love with, but for some reason, things just didn’t work out and you went your separate ways. Serious Steven will always have a big place in your heart, and now you’re probably wondering what your Serious Steven is doing at this very moment. Hi Steven.
4. Egotistical Elliot:
Any evening with Egotistical Elliot is like a replay of that scene of Andrew Keegan’s character from 10 Things I hate About You. “Do I look better this way, or do I look better this way?” He almost makes you feel self-conscious, because dammit, he is so pretty. And he knows it.
5. Pity Patrick:
Pity Patrick is the guy who you really don’t have much interest in, but he is “such a nice guy” and your friend Jen thinks “he’d be great for you!” because he has a 401k and his shit together. You go on a few dates to give him a chance, but really, you’re oil and vinegar. He likes the Red Sox and you like the Yankees. It could never work.
6. Forever Frankie:
Your main squeeze. Your main boo-thang. Your main hookup. Forever Frankie is always there. Forever Frankie will bring you soup when you’re sick and maybe even rub icy-hot on your back after Zumba. You watch Netflix on Friday’s and eat pizza in bed. Forever Frankie is fucking CHILL, and you wouldn’t mind spending forever, if not a big chunk of your 20’s, with him. #ILYSMFAA