1. You can have as many pizza’s as you’d like and nobody will judge you.
Honestly, it’s pretty effed up that people would even judge you based off of how many partners you’ve had, but pizza, everyone loves pizza! You can eat pizza for dinner every single night and not one person will call you a pizza slut. You can tell your mom you brought 5 different, random pizza’s home this week and not once will she mutter the words “what are you doing with your life.” You are a passionate pizza lover, not a big, pizza booty hoe. (Big booty, yes. All that pizza, ya know..)
2. Pizza doesn’t hog the blanket.
You can go to sleep with pizza whenever you want (usually at 4AM on a Saturday while eating it in bed), and you never have to worry about it ruining your bedtime swag. Pizza box in your way? On the floor it goes. I’m pretty sure a significant other of human form would mind being tossed to the ground, and who needs that?
3. No date night, because Pizza is your date night.
Date night for 1? Perfect. Let me just call up this here pizzeria and order my date for the evening. But wait! What kind of date do I want to smother in my face tonight? Pepperoni? BBQ Chicken? The options are endless. It’s like a high-end escort service. Except not. In fact, nothing at all like a high-end escort service. However – nothing says “ooo baby, baby” quite like the mumbles from a mouth filled with cheese. And even better, if it doesn’t come in 30 minutes or less, its free. Okay, so actually it is everything like a high-end escort service.
4. You can be with the #loveofyourlife wherever you go.
Down the block, at home with your parents, in France. No matter where you go, the love of your life will be there. It is always a phone call away, and you just know they’ll deliver. Like a really great booty-call. Ah yes, hoes in different area codes. No breakups over across-country career opportunities. Wherever you land, pizza will always be there to catch you.
5. Pizza will never disagree or fight with you.
And if it does, you can just eat it and then go find a better one. There are plenty of crusts in the sea, my friends.