This Is The Text I Will Never Send You

love and loss and things left unsaid
Jacalyn Beales

Don’t people say it only takes half the length of the relationship to get over a breakup? Then why am I still not over it? And why are you still acting like a jerk?

Sometimes I wonder if you have even ever loved me. Remember the time we both poured our hearts and made promises? How could you move on from someone that quickly?

Maybe your long-awaited reply to my desperate calls and texts is not hope but a relief. Sometimes I wonder if you still care. Remember I used to say zombies are cool? My heart stops beating these days, feeling like there is nothing much left. But I guess you don’t care anymore.

So this will be the text gone unsent.

How are you doing lately? I’ve missed you. So much.

Every night I still wake up in tears, knowing over and over again that you no longer play that perfect role in my life. I am trying so hard everyday to stop myself from visioning the idea of us in the future. I can’t tell the difference apart from reality and dreams anymore. You were not just a void to be filled in. You were someone who connected with me. We did everything in sync.

We were something more than that.

Let me tell you. I chose not to forget, but I will forgive. Yes, it is difficult for me to let go but I learnt to live with it. I became my own source of strength and support. Thanks for letting me down. Thanks for telling me that love is never fair. Thanks for proving me that there is no fairytale in life. Love is not everlasting and love takes up efforts.

I am over the idea of us now. This is me stop trying. Surely I don’t want this to be the end. But if this is what you want, I respect your decision because I also have the need to protect the only thing I still have – my own self-esteem.

I am telling you I am leaving your life now. Without trace.

I am not going to cling to the glimpse of hope. I am not going to waste any other second of my youth waiting for someone to change his mind and come back someday. Because this day may not actually even happen. So I will be avoiding you although you’ve clearly already forgot about my existence.

I am ready to embrace my new identity now. I finally decide to go on without you.

In case you are wondering, I tried. I cannot wipe out the memories we created but I know these images will be blurred gradually. I don’t want to beg for your love because everything has changed since the moment you decided to walk away. Your love is no longer my drug.

Honestly? I still trust that love can be a fairytale with the right person dropping in at the right time. Love is not perfect but it is something to be trusted upon. Love brings two people together even if they see the flaws in each other. I still trust there is love out there. Someday, a person will show up and replace your role in my life by putting myself back piece by piece together. TC mark

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