An Apology To The Girl I Used To Be

selective focus photo of woman near grass field
Ye Fung Tchen / Unsplash

I’m sorry I almost gave up on you. I am sorry that I let the pain get too deep before trying to make things better. I am sorry that I made things worse by not defending you, by not believing in your heart and how good it can be. I tore you apart day after day, telling you that you weren’t worth anything. I let people walk all over you when I should have spoken up. I watched you cry in the deep dark of the night, longing for comfort. I continued to let you feel pain and I continued to let you get hurt over and over again. I never stood up for you. I agreed when people tore you down, but most importantly I made you believe the awful things people said about you. I stood by and did nothing as you let yourself fall deeper and deeper into a dark hole.

I let you drown yourself in drugs, alcohol and toxic people. I watched as you numbed out life. I stood by as you continued unhealthy habits, not even offering help to take care of yourself. I was a bystander in your darkest moments. I made you believe that there was no better option. I told you that no one loved you and that no one ever would. I told you that you weren’t good enough. I stood by as you got your heartbroken for the same reason, every time. I made you run back to those who treated you like you were a piece of shit. I made you be mean to those who loved you most. I told you to hurt others so that they couldn’t get to know you. I’m sorry I made you believe that you were worth nothing.

I didn’t know any better. So I couldn’t help you when I wanted too. I thought that letting you suffer was the only option. Your life was meant to be nothing, I truly believed this. I watched as those you loved most abandoned you, made you feel unsafe, made you hurt inside. I watched all of this and thought that’s how you were supposed to feel. I’m sorry I didn’t know any better. I’m sorry I almost gave up on you.

I should have told you that you have a soul that sparkles from the inside out. You have a heart that could heal even the deepest wounds. A smile that lights up a room, and eyes that twinkle with hope. I should have told you that you are worth everything, that your dreams are important no matter how far out they are.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you how beautiful you are, how remarkable your resilience is. I should have reminded you that our wounds are what make us strong. You aren’t broken because of your past, you are so much more than that. I should have kept pushing you to get out of bed instead of letting you avoid the things that made you happy. I shouldn’t have let you give your heart to those who didn’t deserve it, but most importantly I shouldn’t have judged you for doing it anyway. I’m sorry I let you numb out everything, you deserve to be present and live life and all of its beauty. I’m sorry I didn’t remind you every day why you are worth it, why you deserve love. I should have told you that you have so many people that love you and care about you.

I’m sorry that I didn’t give you comfort when all you wanted to do was be anywhere but here. I should have reminded you that pushing people away who love you, only does more damage. I shouldn’t have given up on you when you needed me most. I should have reminded you that you are beauty and grace, and no matter what life brings to you, the pain doesn’t last. I am sorry I let you feel so dark and lonely for so long.

You were a beautiful delicate being that I dragged through the mud. I let you feel the deepest of darkness. I almost gave up on you, I almost let you leave. I didn’t love you unconditionally. I stopped fighting for you and your heart.

To the girl I was, I am sorry and I love you, unconditionally.

Sincerely,

The woman I am today TC mark

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