Thought Catalog

I’ve Never Faked An Orgasm

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Yes, it’s true. On the heels of this ridiculous study revealing that 60% of women have faked orgasms – and many of them did so because of what these “scientists” call sexual “issues” – I feel that I must stand up for those of us females who have never faked orgasms. While I have certainly dealt (and continue to deal) with my fair share of your standard and less-standard sexual “issues” – insecurity about my body, performance anxiety, fear of objectification, fear of developing unrequited or generally unwelcome “feelings,” fear of rejection, the very real fear of being physically harmed in some way, fear of pregnancy and STDs, the list goes on and on and on – I can say with confidence that, in my seven years of having intercourse and approximately nine years of having non-sex, I have never, ever faked an orgasm. I hope I’m not that rare. I hope I can check back in a couple hours and find comment after comment of women saying, “Me too! I never fake it!” Here’s our story, the non-fakers. Or at least the story of this non-faker, some proverbial bedpost notches that have demarcated my life of non-faking.

I’ve been very sexual my entire life. I can remember as a very young child being curious about sex scenes in movies and feeling aroused (even though I was too young to know that’s what I was actually feeling) by what little I was able to glean from television shows like Degrassi High (don’t ask me why my parents let me watch this) and films like Pauly Shore’s Son in Law (I know, so mortifying, but that scene where they’re about to get it on in the barn or whatever really excited me as a young’n). I don’t think I even knew “fake” orgasms existed until long after I began having sexual relations. I think because I have always been so friendly with my own sexuality – I had my first orgasm when I was in the seventh grade, and (ooh! that was fun!) many more soon after – it literally never occurred to me to pretend to feel something I didn’t actually feel. At the risk of sounding supremely annoying, sexual pleasure always came naturally to me. My “issues” arose later, so they never had the chance to cut me off pre-come… so to speak.

Which brings me to my second point: I can’t fake anything, really. I inherited from my mother the complete inability to lie or pretend anything. If she’s unhappy, everyone in the room knows it. If she’s enjoying something, everyone in the room knows it. Her face cannot tell lies, and neither can mine. Of course I can vocally lie, but my face gives away my untruth and soon it’s discovered and I’m forced to spill the beans. This trait, of course, has both its advantages and its pitfalls. If I tried to fake an orgasm, my partner would know immediately what I was up to. Sure, I could fake screams and moans, but unless I covered my face completely with my hands, soon to follow would likely be a question from my concerned partner: are you faking it? For better or worse, I really am just a horrid, horrid liar.

For the most part, with the exception of random hook-ups and one-night stands, I’ve chosen to be with partners who legitimately care about my sexual pleasure. My first sexual experience with another person was with my first boyfriend, who I was very much in love with and who was in love with me. I think this is a huge factor. At least partially because of the standard he set, I consider it a minimal requirement that my partner wants to please me, and that, if he’s not, we can work on it and improve our techniques to make sure we are both happy. If he’s doing something and I can tell that I’m not going to come, I kindly implore him to stop or try to gently direct him differently. It’s all about communication.

I also have no qualms about getting myself off, either in private or in the company of another. In fact, especially during intercourse – not so much during oral, for obvious reasons – I have to help myself along if I’m going to achieve orgasm. I’ve never been with a dude who didn’t like this. They have all liked watching me get off, whether it’s by their own hand (ha), by my own, or by a combination of both. This probably relates back to my initial point about being in tune with my body. I’ve never felt that’s it’s “dirty” or “wrong” to touch myself. I imagine this has gone a long way in my never faking orgasms.

I see sex, similarly to life, as an often perplexing combination of taking responsibility for your own happiness and working together with others to achieve that happiness. I see myself as solely responsible for my happiness, but I also want the joy that comes from working with others to secure that happiness and help it to flourish. Sex is no different – I take responsibility for my experience, orgasms included, and if I don’t communicate what I want to my partner, then ultimately my disappointment falls on me. I’m learning more and more that communication is the key to everything worth having in life, and on a short list of things worth having, I’m inclined to include both fulfilling sex and orgasms. I don’t expect anyone to hand me happiness on a platter, and I similarly don’t expect anyone to hand me orgasms. I create my own orgasms. They are mine, and I own them.

Let’s own our orgasms. TC mark

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    • Mjohns29

      ME too sister! You are not alone :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=807053 Irina Gonzalez

      Love love love! Great article, Meg. I actually feel the same way. I don't know who all these women are faking it all the time… I thought maybe I was just lucky that every partner I've been with has wanted me to feel good too, but I am also a good communicator. All women are different so if a new partner is doing something that I'm sure his last girlfriend liked, but is not working for me, I always make sure to tell him “no, a little higher”, “wait, a little faster” or any combination of words that will result in my (and his) ultimate satisfaction. I think it's important to know what you like and not be afraid to speak up. Sure, I've had moments where I felt too shy but in the end, where does it get you? Nowhere. Hooray for sexual, open, honest, and communicative girls and the lucky boys we date.

    • Brandon h

      PLEASE send this to the girl who wrote the “sex is overrated” and refused to masturbate because “it wasn't her job” post, and  removed it about a month or two ago.

      • Jordan

        yeah seriously. if you can't be bothered to get yourself off, why should anyone else?

      • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

        i guess at least her post…got off.

    • guest

      This sounds like you're trying to impress a guy. Come on. If you've never faked an orgasm good for you, I've only done it twice and have been sexually active for 10 years. but to shout it out there to the world, makes me think “doth protest too much”

      and “i can't fake anything… I can't lie” and “I am soooo sexual” blah blah blah, sounds like a lines to make guys idealize you. 

      this post is WEAK. You sound like a phony, insecure, loser.

      • ugh

        wat

      • http://twitter.com/homegirlrc ryder collins

        haters be hating.

      • YUP.

        You're so cool. You are the coolest person that has ever posted anything ever.

      • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

        Why do you think a confident woman expressing her opinion is trying to “impress a guy” or “make guys idealize” her? My actions are defined by me alone and not by anyone around me, male or female – and so are yours. I'm sad that (as a woman) you are essentially projecting the same attitude that's been fostered in an attempt to keep women quiet, down and in all manner of unsavory suppressed states since the dawn of time. I think it's wiser – and hopefully, in the future, standard – to read women's thoughts and opinions as standing on their own, not in the light of how men might view them or be affected by them.

        • AL

          I kind of wish you had referenced specific excerpts. Sadly, as a newly defeated feminist, I think female sexuality and expression (heteronormatively) are very much defined by the male perspective. Still.

        • guest2

          Listen. If a girl wants pleasure of hooking up but then feels like “enough already” I am not feeling it anymore then so be it. If faking an orgasm gets the guy off –literally and figuratively, then we can own that too. Especially if she cares for the guy. If you are in love with your man (which I am), and if I wanted sex at first and then I was tired, and I don't want him to feel like less of a man, who cares if I groan a little louder. You're obnoxious. This post is obnoxious.

        • guesst

          you're an idiot.

        • http://vagabondexpress.wordpress.com/ AV

          Who is obnoxious? The woman making all sorts of noises to get a man off of her? Or the woman who looks up to her man in the eyes and levels with him like a man who deserves the truth and to live in reality to say, “Babe, I don’t think it’s happening this time.” I can tell you time and time again that I have said this or something similar. To me, LYING is NEVER a way to show your love to anyone. And, my  man feels like MORE of a man, because he KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I DO moan, it’s because he’s driving me wild….for real. We’ve had a talk about this and I’ve been explicitly clear with him: I will NEVER fake an orgasm, ever. INTIMACY is about honest, especially when you want intimacy in sex. And what is sex without intimacy if you love someone? 

          So, again, who is obnoxious? Imagine two couples side-by-side. Man on top. 

          Woman A: AHHHHH OH MY GOD YOU’RE AMAZING AAAWHHHHHHHH *kicks legs wildly, runs fingers through hair, pretends to quiver* YES YES YES F*CK ME BABY AWWWWW

          Woman B: Honey, I love you and I am really enjoying this, but I don’t think my body can come right now. Maybe it will, but I am not sure. I hope you can come, baby….you know that turns me on. 

          And in the case of Woman B, there have been PLENTY of times when I she did come with him, so he knows it’s not cause he is less of a man. He knows that usually she comes, so it’s likely just an ‘off day’ for her and he is intelligent enough to comprehend that. 

      • Anonymous

        no need to be envious of another girl's sexual successes

      • http://vagabondexpress.wordpress.com/ AV

        11 People liked this comment? So 11 people like liars. 

        Faking an orgasm is LYING. And I would describe a liar as a phony. Because she is insecure. Fearing that she might be a loser. And then projecting it onto people who don’t share her feelings of inadequacy and need to be a lying phony. 

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      sweet!

    • Kim

      Let's see. I've never faked an orgasm, per se, but I have lied about having one afterwards. And there are times I haven't lied when asked, but I know the guy assumed I had one when I didn't. Does that count? I've also always felt that any fake screaming or moaning would come off as completely fabricated and transparent. Plus I don't really know how to recreate my physical reaction to orgasming (spasming lol) on command! I will say the vast majority of my good friends have faked it once or repeatedly, and I know I am in the minority. Hmmm.

    • http://twitter.com/akablackadder Dika

      Women saying: “Me too! I never fake it!” Good post! Lot's of confidence! That's already damn sexy!

    • Jordan

      i too, have an inability to lie. i'm the world's worst actress.  but even if i could fake it, why lie? i'm not going to stroke (heh) the ego of a guy who's not doing anything for me. actually, i come quite easily, so much so that some have thought i AM lying.

    • idk

      i've never faked and i don't get the point. to get it over with? to make guys feel like they've done a good job? i always associate faking with sitcoms and sex in the city fans and girls who have sex with boys to get things. i don't understand a lot of things though.

      • http://vagabondexpress.wordpress.com/ AV

        There’s this huge part about sex being something for a woman to enjoy too that I think most women seem to miss somehow. I am like the writer here. I didn’t even know how many women faked it, and I’m totally in shock now that I’ve learned the number. I have never faked one, never will. Why would I? I am in it to come too, usually, and I want to enjoy myself. Faking for the sake of his ego? That is just….well, why would I want to be with a man who is so insecure that he needs me to lie to him?

    • Anikolas Ordorica

      I have had to before, but I commend you in your proposal that well learn to communicate with our partners. How awesome would sex be for all if we just admitted what we did and did not want!

    • naka

      Never faked, don't think I could. I, too, am awful at faking and lying about anything, especially to someone I care about. Anyone who fakes is doing themselves a disservice; it's okay, many women have trouble getting off and it's not completely their fault as there are many things that contribute to this issue. I think one of the biggest problems is that as a society we condemn women who explore their sexuality.

    • guest
    • inflammatorywrit

      The few times I have faked an orgasm have been because my boyfriend was taking way too long and I wanted to go to sleep.

    • http://sayyes.tumblr.com sayyes

      Yes… yes… YESSSSS! Thank you for making all us non-fakers/bad liars feel better.

    • Nixter_doodle

      This is SO ME.

    • BOB

      “For the most part, with the exception of random hook-ups and one-night stands, I’ve chosen to be with partners who legitimately care”

      Agreed, and I will add, after the 50th (or so) time I have fucked you will I care about your organism.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

        I… can't tell… if you intentionally wrote “organism.”

    • Guest

      SAME HERE!

    • Anonymous

      Faking an orgasm is like telling your partner, “yes, you're doing everything properly” when of course, every person is different and has sexual needs that must be catered to on a personal basis. Unless a woman communicates what works for her, she'll be stuck “faking it” forever. I congratulate you on your ability to be open about your needs

    • Anna

      Birds don't fake their orgasms either. Birds are tight!!!!!

    • xra

      well, you're obviously not “that rare” if 40% of women have never faked an orgasm

      re: fake orgasms, in my experience there's some pretty overt physiological signs that accompany a girl approaching and reaching orgasm, and it doesn't seem like they'd be so easy to fake. as far as i understand it, if she's not getting really tight, and then rhythmically spasming all over yr business, she's prob not coming.

      • http://vagabondexpress.wordpress.com/ Av

        I have never faked, but I do know how to contract my muscles down there to “hug” him, as I call it. He likes that. He knows what I am doing and that I do it to “hug” him and make him feel good. But my point is that women can do this to fake it too, cause we do have some control over that region. 

    • Duke Holland of Gishmale

      “…performance anxiety, fear of objectification, fear of developing unrequited or generally unwelcome “feelings,” fear of rejection, … fear of pregnancy and STDs” 
      You just summed up my sex life.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

      I wonder what the percentage would be if they asked women if they REGULARLY fake it. They said 60% have done it at least once. They also said it was MOSTLY due to the ladies own issues. So wait, the ladies who have faked it once and the ladies who have faked it 100 times both do it because of their own issues? There seems like an unnecessary clumping of justification here. Obnoxiously worded surveys never teach me anything. I mean the numbers seem really skewed if ladies who have had sex hundreds or thousands of times and just faked it once because the dude really didn't didn't want to stop if she didn't, and it was a one night stand, and it doesn't matter and blah, blah, blah.

      Granted the people who said they “endorse' it, or do it to “enhance their sexual experience” are super concerning no matter what.

    • SousChefGerard

      I totally faked once so I could get a sandwich from the fridge. I was famished. Too hungry to finish my lady friend off.

    • Anonymous

      Never faked it, never will. It's truly not worth it to deceive the guy and lead him to think he's doing something right. If you want to stop having sex, you can just say “this isn't working for me” and end it.

    • http://twitter.com/buytoiletpaper Meaghan S

      um, I sort of love you and your vagina now (again). not in a stalker way. but seriously, keep writing, love your openness.

      • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

        Thank you :)

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