Just yesterday, I explained to a new friend that I struggle with depression. Chronic, horrible depression that I don’t like talking about, because I don’t like admitting it is real, because I don’t like being sad.
My friend looked at me and he said, “Megan, you’ve got a great laugh. I can’t imagine you not being happy.”
Last night, while I was youth group, I thought something was really funny. And I was laughing about it with my co-leader slash super best friend, and one of our girls looked at me and said, “You’re laugh is awesome.”
I have never been complimented on my laugh before in my life – and this month, it has happened to me three times. So what’s changed?? Am I radiating my happiness more outwardly now than I used to?
For years, I relied on others to make me happy. And there were times that I was not happy with myself, and I was not happy with others, either. I have never put the burden of making me happy on someone else, but I did not allow myself to feel joy for others when I could not make myself feel it.
And that makes me sad. I took some time to reflect on those situations, and I spent some PB&J time with myself late into the night (PB&J=prayer, Bible, journal). And what I realized was this:
I used to shy away from anything that made me have real feelings. I avoided the extremes of any situation so I didn’t feel too much.
Why did I avoid feelings? Feelings are awesome. Being freaking sad or being amazingly happy will make any person feel ALIVE.
I want to feel. I want to feel love. I want to feel respect. I want to feel cared for. I want to feel broken. I want to feel my heart breaking. I want to feel overwhelmed. I want to feel joy.
I spent a lot of my time not wearing my heart on my sleeve – but now I feel like I’m just sitting here, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has been too many days since my last bad day, and I know it is coming. And I’m wondering how far down I will fall this time.
Because, this time, I am actually happy. And my life is filled with good days, and each time I have a really good day, I find myself wondering when days like these are going to disappear for a while. When am I going to climb back under my rock and hibernate for my “winter” season? When is the light going to be too much? When will I fall?