There have been a lot of changes since you left. My hair is longer, I have almost graduated from college and I have a new phone where your number does not exist. More importantly I changed. I changed in the way that I thought I needed you but now no longer do. I changed in the way that I no longer want you in my life however I still want what’s best for you. I changed in the way that I have most recently realized, is for the best.
You changed me. You changed who I was. You changed how I thought about the world. You changed how I thought about relationships. You changed how I thought about you.
I thought that you had changed. I thought that you were better; that you wanted more from your life. I thought we would be able to make things work between us this time. I thought you understood me; understood how I was trying to create a future.
I don’t hate you. I never could. I was in love with you. I still love you. I don’t think that part of me will ever go away. I think that there will always be a part of me that belongs to you.
I wanted us to be friends. I wanted to be able to tell you about my life and keep the friendship we had even before we dated. I realize, two long months later, that that was completely naive. I’ve realized it’s better if I don’t know know what’s going on in your life. It allows me to keep pushing forward and worry less about you, ultimately making a positive impact.
The effect we had on each other was one that affected me in ways I couldn’t even fathom. The best way I could possibly describe it is the way that an article of clothing will keep a smell that’s embedded in it until you’ve washed it enough times. Your habits, your way of thinking, became embedded in my personality. The only way I was able to remove it and see myself again was for me to give myself space from you. To remove you from my social media, to discontinue talking to you. To remove you from my life all together.
I’ve come to the realization that people do not truly change. People will create new habits, reverse a negative issue that they might have had, but they do not change their morals and who they truly are. I wanted to believe that you had new ambitions. Ambitions that were similar to mine. Ambitions we could use to create a life together. But I honestly think you’re happy with where you are in your life right now. Maybe in the future you will create a new life plan but I know it will not be with or because of me. I wasn’t the person to spark that in you but I do hope that you find that person who will.
In all honesty, I do miss you. I miss us laughing. I miss waking up to you. I’m allowed to miss you. But what I won’t allow myself to do, is reach out to you. I know now that in order for me to keep moving forward, I can’t have you as an integral member in my life.
In all honesty, I’m happy. I’ve had more time for my friends than I ever have before. I’ve had more time for my education and I will be graduating in good standing in the upcoming weeks. I’ve been able to find new goals for myself; find things that revolve around me and my personal happiness. I have been able to do what truly makes me happy. I have built a solid foundation on which I will build my life.
I’ve been able to grow as a person and gain new insight to a large spectrum of things from love to friendships to relationships. Ive learned that being friends with someone who once meant so much to you, is not ideal for you to grow as an individual. I’ve learned that moving on from another person isn’t about getting under someone else, it’s about how you see yourself as an individual. How you can see yourself and how it wasn’t the one persons fault that the relationship didn’t work and that just because a relationship didn’t work, your own value doesn’t decrease.
I have realized that although I may not be the perfect person for you, there will be someone else out there for each of us. I am able to remind myself and prove to myself that everything that happens is towards greater things. And that is so much more than I could have ever asked for from you. So thank you. Thank you for providing me with an opportunity to learn more about myself than I ever have.