Anyone who is close to me knows that this semester has been really, really hard. I’m not going to lie, I have broken down a few times and experienced anxiety attacks that left me scared and flat-out exhausted. It’s been a combination of personal and external factors, but without a doubt helped me set my path straight.
Everything can be summed up as me struggling to try and find my path. I felt like every way I turned, I was getting slammed around and having opportunities yanked out from underneath my feet.
I felt like I was hitting the gas as hard as I possibly could yet I wasn’t going anywhere.
And I was frustrated; so, incredibly frustrated. When I got back to school I was ready for my summer’s hard work and recuperation to show and pay off, but it seemed to be doing the complete opposite. I was lagging in so many ways, and I just wasn’t myself.
It was about mid-October and I was giving thanks for our unlimited minutes because of the amount of time I spent calling home. I was calling home just for the sake of hearing the voice of someone who would comfort me instead of tell me to just suck it up. I felt like I was getting weaker and weaker with each day, and then something happened.
No, I didn’t win the lottery. I didn’t go home either. I turned around for what felt like the hundredth time, and saw another door, and then opened it. When I opened that door, amazing things started to happen. Things started falling into place. My grades started picking up, track practice started going my way and I started to find my place in the world. I started writing for the school paper and fell in love with it. I started to gain control of my schedule and sleep through the night and it felt really good.
Looking back, there’s a part of me that wants to kick myself for the amount of complaining I was doing.
I try so hard to tell myself that there are people out there who have it harder than I do, that there are people who go to sleep at night unsure of whether they will wake up in the morning and people who worry where their next meal will come from or fear for their life just walking to school. And it’s true, I am extremely lucky.
But I realized it’s okay to break down and ask for help. I tried so hard to hold everything in that I ended up exploding. I told myself I didn’t need to talk to anyone when really I just had to say three simple words; I need help. I needed to open up and vent and speak what was on my heart.
It’s okay to panic because you’ve tried 100 doors and you’re wondering why you haven’t opened the right one yet.
It’s okay to change your major 12 times and it’s okay to worry why all of a sudden your grades are plummeting or nothing seems to be clicking.
Because the fact is, there is a purpose for everything. There is a reason for you to break down today and rise tomorrow. It’s all a word in a paragraph in a page in a chapter in a book about this thing called your life, this thing that will have moments of downfall and moments of extreme joy. And in this book called life, it may take 27 chapters before you finally open the right door and that is totally okay.
Don’t get discouraged when the room is empty, because it just means you have to try another door. And I promise, when you find the right door it will all be worth it.