“Get your shit together! You don’t have time for all of this self-pity and self-doubt! You can’t be sitting around wondering whether or not these boys are into you or not!” Who the fuck cares anyways! You are a working woman with dreams! Like Lady Gaga said, “Your career will not wake up one day and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore”.”
REFLECTION ON THE DAY I WROTE INSECURE THOUGHTS TO MYSELF:
That’s what I have to tell myself every day- especially today. Liking guys is hurtful for productivity for women in general. Liking guys is EXTREMELY DETRIMENTAL if you are balancing a full time job and trying to build your own business. I shouldn’t even be looking at guys right now, better yet trying to associate with them. The point of the matter is that I have to stop. I have to focus. This is only hurting the person I want to become career wise.
DAYS AFTER READING THOUGHTS AND REFLECTION:
Whoa Nelly! Calm your tits ^^Megan. You were OBVIOUSLY on your period when you were writing that- Psycho Lady! OK let’s get this straight. I am a curvy (like I have a butt, boobs, and hips… But I am also a little squishy in the midsection), Petite (whopping 5”1), freckle faced Asian Filipina woman with multi-tonal Balayage Highlights! I have a sense of humor that spurs from the influences of Mindy Kaling and Will Ferrell with a TOUCH of Eddie Izzard (because I love him). My eyebrows are on FLEEK (most of the time) and I can down a jar of peanut butter like nobody’s business. Also, I have a secret talent of eating a full plate of tacos while driving… It’s quite impressive.
I am a force to be reckoned with and I am NOT going to just jump on board with the first guy who comes along. This personality REQUIRES strength in another person. I am not looking for a pretty face or a perfect resume- I am looking for my future best friend. I want to be able to make snide comments at your stories or know you so well that I can say things like: “Of course you would” or “that story is bananas… And not the good kind… And you know it”. I want to be able to be so comfortable showing my un-lady like self that I can swear and say mean comments AT YOU in an endearing manner and you would know and understand my code. For example, “I hate you” translates to “You are the bomb and you just proved it once again”, “I cannot even deal with you right now” translates to “You are so funny and perfect it is actually scaring me that you exist”, “I hate you SO MUCH *in a whisper*” translates to “I think I am in love with you… Actually, I am in love with you… Its bananas (in a good way)… PS. I love you”.
I will be the first to tell you that I am not easy to deal with. I don’t have the rose colored glasses on when I look in the mirror. A lot of the times I am mean to myself. Self-deprecating thoughts like “Why can’t I be thinner?”, “Why can’t I have flawless skin and naturally on-fleek eyebrows”, “Why did I eat that whole pizza?” Why am I still single?”, “Were those crazy Asian Aunts right? Am I single because I have freckles and I’m not thinner…Because I can eat whole pizzas?” Those are the harmful things I say to myself regarding my image, when it comes to personality, I can open up a Pandora’s Box of mean thoughts. “You’re single because you have too strong of a personality”, “You are single because you don’t let guys into your personality”, “You’re single because this… And blah, blah, blah… These excuses are dumb”.
At the end of the day, I know I have a strong personality. I know my flaws. I can be overly determined and self-sufficient and then something crazy happens and I am completely confused and in need of help. I can be honest to the point of harsh. I use sarcasm to filter most of my emotions. I have an affinity for most things ‘90s. I refuse to water down who I am and what my personality is like because it doesn’t fit in some guys’ version of his ideal woman. I am my own ideal woman. In the words of Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling’s character in the Mindy Project), “It’s hard being my own role model”. OK, I am not my own role model or life guru, but I feel that these days you sort of have to force yourself to be. To me, as long as I am proud of the person I am and what I have done at the end of the day, it was a good day. In order to maintain that sort of proudness I have to continue to do things that I could be proud of. It’s like a weird role play thing I do with my mind. During the day I am my own hero and during the night I am my own fan girl.
That sort of mental weirdness probably sprouts from being single for a long time and having to stand up for myself for being single on multiple occasions. I’ve had to do A LOT of explaining in my day for the reasons as to why I am single – as if I contracted some venereal disease and was now shunned from normal person society… Where dating is survival and singlehood means you will not sprout seeds and continue to grow and maintain your plot of land. I hate having to explain why I am single like it was some sort of diagnosis. At first, I was would give bullshit excuses like I was too busy or focusing on work or school – yeah, all of that was just me trying to convince myself I was too cool for the whole dating scene. After a while, those excuses got really old and I started telling the truth. “I am single because it’s easier for me right now to be”, “I am single because I was in a really weird/ bad relationship for a while and I don’t want to repeat that mistake”, “I am single because I am waiting for the right guy who communicates efficiently, has his own life, gets my jokes, likes food, and actually goes through with the things he says”. It’s a lot more liberating when you tell others and yourself the reasons why you choose to be alone. It’s actually quite freeing to outwardly tell the world that you are alone and it’s OK.
Like I said earlier, I don’t want to water down my personality. I want an A.) MAN and B.) An emotionally sound MAN who can boogie with the 100% concentrate version of myself. I’m not going to lose weight to make others tell me I’ve got a nice body, I’m not going to put makeup on so that I can have others tell me I’m pretty. I like myself already and I am happy with my body and mind (and just for the record, I work out because I want to be strong and put makeup on because I simply like it). I will not settle for a man who doesn’t understand that and doesn’t love me for all the flaws that make me perfect. I get down with my bad self and if you’re not ready for this jelly (and this humor, curious, adventurous, awkward at times, fire fueled woman) then you can please proceed to the left, to the left.
RE-READING THIS 1 WEEK LATER AFTER WRITING VENT SESH:
*Happy Dance* Megan, you’re a badass bitch.