I’ve just always been the single girl in the group. Always had “friends,” but never “boyfriends.” I demanded time, but never the title. Lately I’ve been going back and forth about it all in my head. Am I scared? Could I do it? Why haven’t I ever been in anything serious?
In the past few weeks, I’ve thought more about relationships than I’ve thought about it in the last ten years. I recently met someone who, for a second, I considered someone I could be in a relationship with. I first had to acknowledge two truths:
First, I liked him enough to date only him and would prefer he dated only me. And second, I’ve never been committed to anyone or anything.
But when we say “I don’t know” when choosing between different roads, what we really mean is “I don’t know, but there is one I’m leaning towards more than the other.” My brother says it’s like water temperature. You can say, the water is warm, but you know if it’s more cold or hot, right? So in my late night rants to myself and my constant mind wandering habits, I have figured out how I really feel about commitment.
I love the idea of being in love and I know how hard I love. I know how strongly I feel about every emotion; anger, hurt, regret, happiness, I feel it with everything inside of me . When I hurt, it’s like the walls are caving in, I can’t breathe, time literally stops. When I’m happy, there is this bright, yellow sunshine walking with me, I can feel the warmth and nothing can break my temperature. So, I say that to say, when it comes to love, I know how much I would give of myself. I know how much I have given of myself.
I’ve been hurt before, damaged even, one time. All it takes is once. When you get to be so used to one-sided love, that becomes the norm for you. So anything other than that is foreign, unheard of. The thought of loving someone that way, so deep, and equally receiving that love back, scares the hell out of me. I wouldn’t know what to do with an equal amount of respect.
But what’s really the scary part? Giving someone all that power, another human being. And they give you all their energy. You both are out of your minds in love. And everyday you love them, over and over. You are so happy you could break. And as time goes on you expect different things: a title, an introduction, a key, a ring, and an aisle to walk down, a child. Expecting each day will bring a different result. It all sounds too familiar. The term “crazy in love” has never become so present to me. Love is insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
So I’ve come to the conclusion of why I now believe I am afraid of commitment. It’s never been the actual committing part, being with one person. I honestly love too hard to be able to equally give it to more than one person anyway. No, it does not scare me to have a connection with another human. I choose not to demand a title, for the same reasons some people can’t say “I love you” out loud. You throw it into the universe and it’s there for good. But I am most afraid of two things: That much insanity in one bed and the person I become when I’m that vulnerable.