Another one disappeared today. I’ve gotten used to it by now. It’s become a pattern.
A man enters the door that I unlock for him as he greets me with a warm and bright smile, the type of smile that makes your heart giddy just thinking about how he wears it when he laughs. He passes through the doorways, taking a look around to see if he likes the place he has come to. He carries himself across the room in such an easygoing and confident manner. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I watch as he goes to make himself comfortable in the lounge chair in the corner of my heart. I’m glad he likes it here. It makes me happy that he is here.
He asks for a glass of water. I agree to the request and leave the room to cater to his need. I return with the water. He requests a glass of wine. I scurry from the room and return with a glass of Pinot. He asks for a fuzzy blanket and a feather down pillow.
“Of course,” I say. Anything to make him feel like I want him here. Anything to make him stay. I begin to panic as I walk back into the room with a peach-colored blanket but no pillow. I don’t have a feather down pillow. He looks at me wide-eyed and in shock that I can’t cater to his need. I offer an alternative, three cotton pillows.
“You’re doing too much now,” He says, standing from his seat as he shakes his head. “I didn’t come here to stay.”
The words ricochet off the walls of my mind, the echo deafening my ears.
He didn’t come here to stay. So why did he make himself so comfortable and ask things of me?
I stand helplessly as I watch him make fast strides towards the door he entered in. On his way out, I watch as he steals the things from my shelves along the walls, the same things he observed so closely when he arrived.
My time. My effort. He swipes them so casually from their place. I can’t say anything. I’m standing there feeling guilty as I yell across the room, begging him to stay. The door slams shut behind him and I approach it, waiting for the next knock.
In the silence, I am left alone with my thoughts. The unfolded events continuously tumble around in my brain as I try to decipher what it was that I did wrong. As I sit there with my forehead pressed against the door, hoping for his knock to ring in my ears, I come to a realization.
I did nothing wrong. I was myself. I cannot blame myself for being the way that I am.
He walked out on a girl who welcomes people into her life and heart with open arms and a comforting manner. He walked out on a girl with a big heart that wishes nothing more than to share her kindness and love with someone. He walked out on a girl who admired everything he did because she was so fascinated by the way he carried his confidence. He walked out on a girl who was willing to put other’s needs before her own in an attempt to help people feel happy and loved. He walked out on a girl who wanted nothing but the best for him, even if she could not provide it.
So why am I sitting at the door waiting for him to come back, knowing he doesn’t want to be here? Why would I want someone who doesn’t want me?
The real me.
The me that gives too much of herself sometimes, yes, but the me that cares deeply enough to give others a part of herself in hopes that someday, someone will come along and do the same. The me that thrives off of the hope that he will text or call even though he hasn’t talked to me in two days.
I will never apologize for being myself. She is bold. She is a risk-taker. She cares. She is unapologetically herself. I will not change myself and mold the way I am in order to fit someone else’s agenda. I shouldn’t have to. That is something he can’t steal from her.
Yes, he can take the time and effort off of the shelves and steal a piece of your heart on his way out the door, but he can’t take you. He cannot steal your kindness, your love, your feelings. He can’t take away the things that make you, you.
Ladies, we need to stop drowning in the sorrow of the way that he treated us when we welcomed him into our hearts. The way that people treat you reflects who they are, not who you are.
I know that it hurts to see him go because I know how badly you wanted him to stay. But someone that doesn’t want to stay, won’t. You shouldn’t have to beg him for his attention if he truly cares and wants you.
So be patient. Clean up the areas of your heart and soul and better yourself while you wait. Answer the knock when it comes, but don’t stand at the door waiting in anticipation for him to come.