The funniest thing happened today – a simple, seemingly inane thing: I was reading a post about horoscopes and astrological signs (something you know I find fascinating), and I realized… I didn’t check the section about your astrological sign.
Seems silly, doesn’t it? Seems like it’s no big deal?
You see, we both know that I used to read these for entertainment – both mine and yours – and then use them to spark up a conversation, or just to try and make you smile a little. You were interested in this stuff, but not nearly as much as me. In fact, I know that you only tolerated the endless talk about horoscopes, astrological signs, fate, and soul mates because you knew how much it all mattered to me. Still, I always made it a point to look up both of ours. Why? Because you were important to me and because what may or may not describe you, or what may or may not pertain to your life, was something that I was interested in… because I was interested in you.
But today I didn’t.
I caught myself scanning right over your sign to go directly to his and mine. It was a simple action, innocent in nature; however, the implications of that mindless action are now resonating with me more than they probably should. We know that I’m an avid over-thinker when it comes to the “little stuff”, but this doesn’t seem so little to me.
I loved you for years. I’ve only known him for a few short weeks. Truth be told, if I were you, I’d be insulted by how quickly he has taken your place. No. I don’t share with him all that I’ve shared with you; and no, I don’t feel nearly as comfortable with him as I did with you. We don’t have as many memories and I definitely do not love him. I’m not sure if I’m capable of loving anyone as much as I loved you. Then again, I didn’t think I was capable of getting over you so quickly, either.
Guess you can blame my Aquarius blood for that.
There’s very little part of me that believes in any one deity, but you should probably know now how hard I prayed about you. No, not for you, but about you. I prayed for me; I prayed something would come along that would alleviate the hurt that you’d left me with. I wasn’t suffering from emotional scarring, I was suffering from open emotional wounds so deep that I could feel them pulsating and bleeding even while I slept. And, so, I prayed. I guess someone heard me because the next thing I knew there was this amazing and wonderful man in my life. A man who has taken his time with me, a man who has always followed through on what he said, a man who shares his time with me outside of the bedroom… and a man who now has me skipping over your horoscope and astrological sign as if though you’re just another background character in the sea of faces in my mind. You don’t stand out anymore; you don’t pop up in my head anymore when I’m working. That’s all him. I didn’t know that, when I was praying, I was praying for someone new to come into my life. I guess he was the solution, though. And I am not complaining.
He’s the name I want to see popping up on my phone.
He’s the voice I want to hear right before I fall asleep.
He’s the company I want to keep.
He’s the astrological sign that I’m checking.
Of course, I won’t tell him any of this. Not yet, at least. There’s still a big part of me that worries everything will fall apart with him just as it did with you. I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don’t want to scare him away. Even more importantly, I don’t want to scare me away; we both know that I don’t handle these strong of feelings very well (Aquarius, remember?).
Part of me wishes that I had you to talk to about this, just like I used to talk about all the other men in my life who came and went while my heart belonged to you. However, how do you talk to someone about their replacement; how do you explain to someone that you’ve forgotten about them just because someone new entered your life?
HINT: You don’t.
So I guess that I’ll just sit here and continue down this path, and wonder what will happen next. Will it be your birthday that I forget? Will it be a certain inside joke we shared that I’ll forget the meaning of? Will I forget to respond to a text from you? It’s so weird to think about the person who once made your whole body tingle with his words now has become something of a shadow in the back of your mind. I never thought that I would get over you. I never wanted to get over you.
But I suppose it would be ungrateful of me to ignore the literal answer to my prayers and fight against the gift that I have been given in the form of a bull-headed Taurus man.
However. Just so you know…
You will forever be my greatest unanswered prayer. And that’s the one thing no one can take away from you in regards to me.