I used to be one of “those” women. You know, the “well when I have kids I’m never going to let myself go, never going to lose it in public, never going to walk around with a big booger, spit-up, or poop stain on my shirt,” type of girl. Yes…I was too good and a bit judgmental for rudimentary motherhood. I was out of touch and in denial.
My vision of motherhood was probably very similar to yours: after taking off the white dress from my fairy tale wedding I would put on my super hero cape and hover over my handful of kids that were birthed from my unscathed bikini body while they frolicked in a meadow of wildflowers and played quietly together. I would then sink into a big bath while all of the kids napped for three hours…at the same time. Of course, if they woke up before I was finished with my novel they would all gather together and pick up their toys in a big team effort to surprise me.
And then, like all mothers, reality hit when one child flushed my only tube of chapstick down the toilet and another crawled into the bath with me. I realized at that moment that fairy tales do die and I accepted the fact that I may never get my kids to pick up their toys without being told at least 200 times and I may never take a bath again…alone.
Here are 9 more reality checks every mother can bond over:
Whoa, what’s that? The last time you had a good night sleep was nine months before you had your first baby. Remember that one time you slept for eight hours straight? You woke up, got a snack, caught your favorite Soap, and went right back to sleep. It was crazy. I guess things haven’t changed that much. You’ll get your eight hours of sleep…over the course of a week along with new interruptions – for milk, a snack, a diaper change, and a toothbrush that got tossed down the vent.
2. A Clean House
If I was hard enough to clean the house before you had kids, but now? Forget it. You have a better chance of getting pregnant and having a baby on a leap day of a leap year…and that’s about as often as your house gets cleaned.
3. A Good Poop
Can a mama just get five minutes to drop a deuce? Is that too much to ask? Privacy please? Please shut the door. Please remove your fingers from underneath the door. Please stop talking through the door. It’s the one time in your life where you’ll wish for a padded cell, so you could poop in peace.
4. A Good Pee
Before you had kids, you had to stop and pee at least twice during a three-hour road trip, and you could. Now? You’re a camel. Is there a word stronger than “impressive” that describes how long you can hold it? You dare not stop and risk waking the child in the car seat, and if you have two minutes to yourself that big chocolate chip cookie gets first dibs.
5. A Hot Meal
Before kids, you could eat a hot meal, a cold meal, and an “any temp in between meal.” Now? There’s only one temperature. Cold. Don’t even bother warming it up. If you do you’ll get distracted by some sort of toddler catastrophe that will last as long as it takes for your food to get cold again. Save yourself some time and just chow down on an ice cube.
6. A Bikini Body
Not that I ever had one but if I did, it would be long gone by now. I barely have enough time to search for a matching set of socks let alone squeeze in a workout that will bring back those boobs. Okay, in all fairness, I do have a bikini body; you just wouldn’t want to see it on a beach or in daylight.
7. A Bath
There’s a reason why all moms covet all things bubbles, bath salts, and bathtubs. We just don’t get to spend enough time with them. Before kids, we could take two baths a day…just because. “Fresh” was my middle name. Now, I smell like my shirt. I’m just glad the spit-up and dried snot keep people from getting close enough to realize I haven’t had a bath since the last full moon.
8. Free Time
Seriously, what is free time? Before having kids it was a trip, a manicure, and a workout. Now, I’d settle for any of the eight things above.
9. Adult Conversation
Has anyone else noticed the complete lack of ability to converse like an adult when baby enters the scene? It’s like, a little piece of our brain died when we gave birth. At first it’s just a little cooing and baby talk, but then it turns into Daniel Tiger, Doc McStuffins, and Sesame Street banter. Then, you start answering questions in song, talking in third person like Elmo, and searching for your big girl words at the grocery store checkout. Eventually, things get so bad, that you don’t even respond to your name (your real name) anymore.
Ma’am? I’m sorry. You can’t pay with play money.