I don’t know if anything I say is going to make a difference. In fact, I know it won’t. It isn’t going to make anything better.
The pain is going to sit there, anchored to your body.
You’re going to fall to the ground.
You’re not going to be able to get up for a while.
You’re going to sit in class and cry.
You’re going to overanalyze everything.
You’re going to go remember every word, every kiss, every conversation, and wonder where it went wrong.
You’re going to feel a pain that no one else will understand. It will feel like someone pulled your heart out of your chest.
It is going to be hard. Your heart will feel so cold and lonely. You will feel so unlovable.
Your face will be red for weeks and the bags under your eyes will be so big that it will look like someone punched you in the face.
How could he do it? Throw it all away? Yesterday he told you he loved you, and today it’s like you never even existed.
You’re confused, you’re upset, you’re angry, you’re pissed, you’re trying to forget — but you can’t, because you’re in love.
You’re in love.
You are so young, but so in love. So you blame yourself. You think that, because you’re so young, that there is no way he is the one. However, you still feel like he is. It’s like you’re trying to convince yourself that you shouldn’t feel the way you are feeling.
You used to feel so safe, so secure, so confident and comfortable.
Everything you thought was so definite, so real, so perfect, and he just took it from you without looking back.
He stole the life and love out from under you.
And now, you feel as if you are left with nothing.
It’s like he expects you to just forget.
Forget about the day he told your dad, “I love her.”
Forget about the day that he brought over ice cream, because he knew you were upset.
Forget about the day that he called you saying, “I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Forget about the nights he texted you, “I love you babe.”
Forget about the day you laid your perfect head on his chest and he said, “This is nice, I like this.”
Forget about all of the times he kissed you.
Forget about when he promised, “Forever and always.”
He is an idiot.
But it’s funny, because if he texted you right now, you would say I love you back.
That’s okay. It’s what happens.
You can’t sleep, because you wake up in the middle of the night crying, but you also want to sleep because it’s the only time you can forget.
Just kidding — because you’ll probably have a dream about him.
But what seems like a dream is really a nightmare. You’ll wake up and will be met with pain all over again, because in that dream, you felt so close again, it felt so real, and then it was over.
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot
He is an idiot.
You’re going to walk outside and see something that will remind you of him.
You’re going to go through old letters and old texts.
That emoji next to his name is going to have to be removed.
You’re going to have to change your background on your phone, even though a part of you doesn’t want to, because you hope he comes back.
You’re going to see your friends who seem like they have it all together, and they will tell you that you deserve better. That it’s his loss.
They don’t get it. They love you, and they want to help. But, no offense to them, they are not giving you the help or love you want. You want it from him, not them.
And the truth is, maybe you are better than him. Maybe it is his loss, but right now it’s your loss…
You don’t want anyone else. You just want him back.
You don’t want to cry, but you can’t stop. You don’t want to think about him, but you can’t stop.
Everyone tells you to just keep busy. To go hang out with your friends. To keep your mind off of it.
But you can’t hang out with your friends, because something will remind you off him and you will end up talking about him the whole time.
You can’t focus in school, because your mind is too busy thinking about him.
You can’t keep your mind off of him.
He consumes you.
You just want the pain to stop. You force yourself to eat, because you begin to see your hip bones pop out way more than they should. You think, “Oh if I look good then he will come back,” so secretly, you’re happy you look so skinny.
You just want him back. You want his attention again, and you’re hopeful, but at the same time you’re not.
You want to believe he will come back. You want to so badly, but in a way you just want to move on.
You just want to stop feeling the way you are feeling.
It’s like he doesn’t want you to move on, or to go away, so he gives you mixed signals to give you a little hope.
Just enough hope to believe that he might come back, but also not enough hope to stop the pain.
It’s a mind game.
And you’re afraid. You’re afraid that you’re going to get your heart broken again.
You want to let go. You really do, you want to let go and move on, but you can’t.
You just can’t.
You want him to be yours. Stay yours.
Boys are so confusing.
Boys are idiots.
But you still love him. You always will love him.
Even if he is an idiot.