I don’t know why I get women’s magazines delivered to my apartment. If I wanted to feel horrible about myself, I would just call my ex. When will these mags come up with new material? Here are 10 things they really need to stop writing about.
1) 7 Horrific Things Your Gyno Isn’t Telling You
Really? You’re going to give me seven different reasons I should be terrified of my own vagina? Let me guess: There’s some new strain of deadly bacteria that women are picking up in gym locker rooms, and the only vaccine that could potentially kill it carries a host of negative side effects, including bleeding, swelling, hangnails, split ends, and death.
I already worry every day that my vagina isn’t pretty enough. Please don’t exacerbate this further.
2) 40 Foods You’re Eating That Are Making Your Thighs Even Fatter
It’s so simple, really. If I want the thigh gap, I just need to cut out dairy, carbs, meat, poultry, fruits, vegetables, fat, water, air, and food from my diet.
If starving myself is the answer to having thighs that don’t touch, I’d rather be fat. Please pass the cheesecake.
3) 4 Ways to Contour Your Face So You Look Like You Just Had Botox
Do I look like a guest star on Keeping Up with the Kardashians? I have one color of foundation and one brush that both came from CVS. End of story.
4) 20 Things Your Boyfriend Hates About You
I had no idea I did so many things that drives my boyfriend up the walls. Why hasn’t he dumped me yet? Thank you for all the suggestions for how I should be less opinionated, more subservient, and sure—we can try anal even though the mere thought of it haunts my dreams.
What’s that, you say? Of course! No problem! I’ll happily greet him in the morning vagina first. My breath is horrible, I have eye boogers, and all I can think about is what I’m going to eat for breakfast, but let’s have a quickie first.
5) How to Dress Based on Your Astrological Sign
I’m a Gemini, “the twins.” One minute I’m laughing jovially; the next, I’m chasing you with a chainsaw and a shovel. Palazzo pants and a crop top totes magotes make perfect sense.
6) At-Home Chemical Peels: How to Burn Your Face Off Without the Hefty Dermatological Bill
I guess drastic anti-aging treatments in your mid-20s are a thing now. Remind me again about the woman who went to Tijuana for plastic surgery and unknowingly got her face injected with cement and superglue.
And thanks for the expert tip that smiling makes wrinkles worse. I’ll be sure to stop doing that, along with making any other facial expression, blinking, breathing, and living.
7) The 3-Bite Diet: How to Enjoy All the Foods You Want and Lose Weight by Only Taking 3 Bites
We call that an eating disorder.
8) 30 Seconds to a Sexier Butt: Squatting Your Way to a Tighter Caboose in Under a Minute
The two pieces of pizza and 14 Dove chocolates I had for lunch think that’s hilarious. Silly magazine—you must think I’m not paying any attention. This epic posterior of mine took many years and countless pies to create. Thirty seconds of squats won’t even touch it.
9) What Your Sleeping Position Means: You’re an Asshole
Well, shit. I sleep on my stomach with one leg wrapped around my neck. Now that the secret’s out…
And please, keep telling me about what my sleeping position with my partner indicates about our relationship, since I know that’s all that really matters.
10) 15 Ways to Be the Most Popular Gal in the Office
This whole time, all I had to do was sleep with my boss? Shit! I guess I can stop caring now.