“Birth control is the greatest!”
-Random person on drugs
I meet a special someone. I want to do the boom boom. I don’t want a fetus. There is a handful of options to protect me against the life-changer we all know as the fertilized egg: condoms (no bueno), IUDs (no spank you), diaphragms (haha no), and—drumroll—birth control.
A pill! Pills are so easy! We love pills!
Yes, my doctor gave me the heads up about the side effects. Yes, I’ve read about them online. However, I feel as though people are putting it just a tad too delicately. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?
1. My Multitude of Erratic Personalities
I hate everything. I hate you, and you, and you, and definitely you. I hate that chair, that stick of gum, anyone named Mary, Kris Jenner’s hair, and the entire third season of Friends. I don’t have a reason for hating everything, and I don’t need one. I hate you and you’re ugly, so…YEAH.
17 minutes later: Omg everything is so perfect.
2. My Bewbies Are Enormous
What happened below my neck? Last week I was a B-cup. Now I need two punch bowls. I don’t hate it. My whole life, I’ve been a devoted member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Now I’m trying to find a parking spot at the Big Boob Palooza. This is incredible. If my boobs were a US president, they’d be Barack Obama. Men look at me and think my body is breasttaking. Clothes fit me so much better now – it’s…unbralievable.
Actually…I think I hate them, and I’m probably the ugliest human being who ever walked the earth.
3. Too Tired To Scratch Myself
It doesn’t matter how much I sleep – my energy is gone. Nonexistent. My energy is a unicorn, the Tooth Fairy, my virginity after 12 shots of Jaeger. I’m tired and simultaneously so angry. Every word coming out of your mouth makes me want to slap you; but I’m too tired. Just come over here and hit your face against my hand.
I think I love you.
4. It’s Either The Whole Pizza…Or Nothing
What do green apples, jelly beans, the candle in the bathroom, and your left shoe have in common? I want to eat them all. I either have the appetite of an 18-year-old boy on weed, or the mere thought of food makes me want to vomit. If you see me finish off a cheesecake for breakfast and then not eat for the next four days, don’t judge me, because your life isn’t all that spectacular either.
5. Absolutely No Sex Drive. At All. Whatsoever.
Why are you here? Why are you naked? Why are you erect? Don’t point that thing at me. Put it in a cab and take it home. Go buy it lunch. Take it to a movie. Just get it out of here. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. Don’t breathe near me. I don’t want it. Good day to you, sir. I said good day!
6. Pregnancy Paranoia
My life is over. I skipped my period this month. I know that’s common when you start birth control. I know I haven’t had sex in eight months. I’m still pregnant. A woman knows. I can feel it growing inside of me. I think it has a penis. My mother is going to hate me. I’ve ruined the family name. This must be why my boobs are so big. This explains the mood swings, the exhaustion, the fluctuating appetite. It was the fetus all along. My life is over.
Took a pregnancy test. Turns out I’m just fat and miserable. Carry on.