I have an embarrassing confession to make: I thought about you today. I don’t know why my mind went there, and I’m not sure that it really helped, but I thought of you nonetheless.
As the memories flooded my mind, I traveled back in time to when things were very different — a time when you were still here.
Every time I think of you, I find myself pondering a lot of things and asking lots of “what if” questions. I can’t help but wonder how different life would be if you were still here, still breathing next to me.
I wish I knew what crossed your mind the day you left and if you even thought about those last words that flew out of my mouth — the words I often wish I could take back and stuff inside of me forever.
I wish I could ask you so many things or even hear your voice for just a moment. I’d give anything to hear you shout, to hear you laugh, to hear you sing. But instead, all I can hear is silence as I think about you and try to find any distant memory of you that remains stored inside my mind.
How did it feel to walk away? To leave this world for good? Did you make amends with everyone before you left, or did you decide that it would be best if you simply faded away?
More importantly, though, did those final things I said to you make a difference? Or did my words simply land upon deaf ears?
I know I wasn’t the best thing to ever happen to you. Hell, I know we weren’t even friends by the time it all was said and done. But that doesn’t mean that I felt any less responsible for all that transpired since — as you know, I’m the one who wished for you to die.
It seems like forever since the last time I saw you and even longer since that hellish day I curled up in a ball and sobbed uncontrollably while everyone else said goodbye. And although it’s been a while since you’ve crossed my mind, it’s not because I’ve forgotten. I’ll never forget you. And, more importantly, I’ll never forgive myself for letting you slip away.