The rational part of my mind tells me not to worry, that everything will be alright. There’s a part of me, deep down inside, that knows my mind plays tricks on me and whispers those misnomers every chance it gets. I know the fears I feel aren’t reality at all but just my sympathetic nervous system kicking into overdrive.
Yet, here I am: legs shaking, heart racing, bracing for the worst. My mind is screaming, “Run! Hide! Cry!” I become lost inside myself but also have an out of body experience. I’m not sure where or who I am anymore. Everything’s a blur as the terror consumes me and devours my spirit bit by tiny bit.
It happens every time I think of traveling across the country or starting a new job. I feel it when I step into a crowded room or go anywhere alone. It hits me like a semi truck when she doesn’t answer or he says the love is gone. I’ve almost learned to predict it like the weather or a local football score.
And now the time is nearing, my biggest adventure yet to date… and all I feel is the pressure beating down on me, crushing me until I break. You’ve tried to reassure me at least a thousand times, but still I cannot shake this massive panic that keeps building up inside.
I am afraid to tell you all my fears, or even just a few. You’d grow deeply concerned and mighty fearful if you only knew what was running through my mind.
The truth is, I may not make it to the other side without exploding, let alone safely or alive. I might end up bolting, breaking, cowering away from you completely. I’m not sure I can survive this journey back to you without shattering my heart.
You think that you know me. You spout kind and positive traits until you’re blue in the face, but I look in the mirror and become convinced that you don’t really know me at all. I’m so completely terrified that you’re going to see it someday soon; you’ll wake up and smell the coffee, finally seeing the reality of the monster who lives inside this body, the demon that is my soul and the blackness that is my heart.
I don’t know how to tell you all these thoughts that scream inside my mind and eat away at my soul while I wait for you. I want to block them out and cast them away as fallacy, but I’m not sure that I can. Because, no matter how many times I tell myself to listen to the rational parts of my brain and embrace the logic, I’ll always side with that dark and brooding storm of emotional chaos. I’ll always sell out to the fear.