I find myself constantly trying to keep all the plates spinning in the air, juggling my desire to share in the pure jubilation of my best friends’ grand successes with the intense envy the bubbles up inside my chest. Every promotion, every sweet romance is a dagger stabbing me in the back or nagging voices in my head constantly reminding me that I don’t deserve true happiness or even mild success. I want what I don’t have, and I quickly find even the smallest celebration bringing out the green-eyed monster who hides deep inside my soul.
Yet, as I float back, planting my feet firmly on the ground of reality, I know that isn’t the case at all. I do deserve the same as all the rest: riches, victories, and happiness. Maybe I just haven’t reached that point in my journey or found that beacon of light to bring me back to shore. Even if I’m not there yet, that’s no reason to spoil the successes of a fellow man.
I’m learning to let go of that overwhelming envy that encapsulates my heart, chipping away at it bit by bit with pickaxes forged in friendship, love, and empathy. It’s better to build those around me up, envelop them in the sunshine of a sincere smile, and proclaim their joyous news from the top of every mountain. Their successes mean just as much as my own, their happiness inspires me to reach for my own. I refuse to allow envy to consume me; I know that nothing but exuberant enjoyment of the positive moments of my besties breeds my own happiness in time.
I stand in the doorway, the flames of jealousy engulfing my body and melting my mind. There’s constant questioning of why we’re still together resonating in my ears; all I feel is that chilling fear of making one wrong move as I navigate around, like the floor is covered in eggshells. Every piece of technology builds a wall between us; each word becomes a harsh accusation being hurled at my bleeding heart. Your sarcasm drips with desire for it to be true, and I begin to fall into the endless spiral of fearing the worst for the future I’ve constructed in my mind. While others around me seem to have it so much better, I wonder if maybe we aren’t just two left feet together on the dance floor.
But still, I desperately cling to you, hoping that my fears are just hellacious nightmares that will never come to fruition. Maybe, deep down inside your hardened heart and icy soul, there’s still traces of what brought us together; hopefully, memories are enough to rebuild the home for our hearts and will you to stay. After all, love brought us together, and love is made to last forever and stand all the tests of time and the changing of the seasons.
I’m learning to escape those scalding flames of jealousy and trust in the rainy days to bring sunshine in behind them. It’s not worth cutting my nose to spite my face; there’s no glory in the games of war, especially with a bloody battle you’ve built within your own hurting heart. I must blindly trust that if the flickering flame of love and the hearty heat of passion is meant to live between us; I must believe our relationship will weather the storms and not be lead into actions based on temptation.
I am slowly learning to let go of the darkening clouds of envy and jealousy, casting them aside to bask in the warm and welcoming sunshine of adoration for those I love. I’m pushing through jealous insecurity so that I may capture the pure and uninhibited intimacy that comes between two star-crossed lovers who hold each other’s hearts. I’ll continue casting off the shackles of covetousness so that I may hoist up my friends and parade them around in celebration of each victory they have along their journey.
In the end, all I want is to love deeply, care completely, and be by everyone’s side through all the moments in life, good or bad, happy or sad. Because, in the end, all that matters is that I’ve loved and been loved, that I’ve been a decent human. So, I’ll keep pushing away those feelings of jealousy, envy, and selfish pride in order to make room for love. Because the best of life is always forged in love.