To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before

Maria Ballesteros


I’m not sure what is going through my mind right now, but it’s probably safe to say that I’m in an odd place right now since I’m feeling bold enough to write this.

The truth is, you probably never knew that I was hardcore jonesing “back in the day” (or, at least I hope you never knew…oh, dear God, please…). We might have just been really good friends, or it’s possible we were barely aquatintes. I might have literally told you so many things about me, but I always had that one secret that even I didn’t understand…

I’m sure maybe you realized somewhere along the way that I’m somehow “different,” and that’s probably why we either don’t talk anymore or why you walk the perimeter with me.

The truth is, I never really told you how watching Alias made my womanly bits tingly just as much as making out with a guy did. I never mentioned how I longed to pull you in and kiss you or stroke your hair. You didn’t know, could never have known, because I’d kept the constant questioning of my sexuality under lock and key.

I’m not really sure what the point is in telling you any of this now. I mean, you are more than likely committed to someone else. You (probably) aren’t into girls, especially girls like me. It won’t change the fate of anything, and it’ll still leave my dreams of tasting a girl’s lips in the jar of “not gonna ever happen.”

So, if you are reading this and wondering if it’s you…it very well might be.

I really love(d) a lot of you…

I wish you nothing but the best and I hold onto nothing. Well, except that overwhelming curiosity of how our first kiss might have felt or my secret desire to feel your hands in mine. You may have long forgotten me, but know that you’ll live forever in my heart.

Sincerely, That Girl Nobody Knew Was Bi But She Lusted for You Anyway Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer. Mental Health/Disability Advocate. Mom. Lover of All.

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