It’s Not That You Deserve My Love, It’s That I Give It Anyway

two women kissing
kevin laminto / Unsplash

They say you don’t deserve my love and can’t understand why I stay. People foolishly believe that the few brush strokes they see thrown upon the canvas paint the entire picture of you and me. They focus on a single tree and refuse to walk through the vast and luscious forest. Words are often thrown around like bean bags simply tossed carelessly: verbally abuse, insulting, aggressive, heartless, rude.

Yet, I see something different, something comforting and unique. I see the entire work of art; I see your canvas beautifully complete. You slave away at a job you hate every day, simply to provide. There’s humor in your sarcasm; there’s wisdom in that deep and delicate voice that comforts me. You’re an animal whisperer and you have a way with kids, who could ask for more? You aren’t a wicked man at all, I know. We all just have show our dark side on those infrequent occasions.

You think you don’t deserve my love and sometimes harshly cast it aside. You suppress your kind and gentle heart behind a big and burly hide. Your strong suits aren’t expressing feelings or sharing what’s going on inside. Sometimes all that overflows your troubled mind just spills out indignantly. Still, other times you stonewall me and suffocate me in your silence. You cannot help it, this I know, even though others try to say so.

None of this changes the fortitude of my infatuation with you, though. It doesn’t diminish the enkindled love that glows deep within my heart. I still give my body completely and surrender my soul to you every chance I can. I share everything that’s on my mind day and night; all of it just for you. I want to feel your lips against mine for years to come, walk hand in hand through the grocery store each Sunday, and, eventually, grow old together. Our love may never be a raging inferno, but the softly gleaming flames keep me plenty warm.

I’m sometimes convinced that you don’t deserve my love, but not for the reasons others may say. My love is an ungodly mess, a heavy load to bear. I am static cling; I hurt and stick too much. There are so many times I am often ineffective, both with my lacking body as well as my ailing mind. You don’t deserve this horrendous torture. Nobody deserves to be dragged through this abhorrent sport when there’s nothing to be gained. My love is f*cking useless, but I love you all the same.

Although I know I am unstable, undesirable, and unpropitious, my heart still yearns for you. I crave your touch, that soft caress, the way your fingers trace my skin. Selfishly I want to keep you, though I hate to cause you pain. I’m drawn to your strength, your brilliant mind, and even all your quirks. I want to shower you in the love you never asked for, the love I have to give.

But here is the deep and beautiful secret that nobody really knows: it’s not that you deserve my love at all; it’s that I choose to give it anyway. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or will ever do, just as it makes absolutely zero difference who I am today. The root of the root is this, my love: I give all I have to you: body, mind, and soul.

I don’t know what I truly deserve or if your love is as genuine as mine. I often question what you think of me, or if you even plan to stay. I don’t know that I’ll ever be enough for you. I’ll never know if any fish in the sea would ever be interested in me. There’s so much in love left up to chance, to blind trust, and intuition. But, here’s what I do know with incredible certainty: I choose, my love, forevermore to keep your presence in my heart… I choose to love you anyway. TC mark

Megan Glosson

Writer. Mental Health/Disability Advocate. Mom. Lover of All.

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