This Is Why I Haven’t Found Someone Else

David Marcu
David Marcu

My friends and family don’t get it. “You’re an attractive, intelligent, young adult, in a new town with a lot going for you,” my mother insists. “Why don’t you get out there and meet someone?”

I small and nod to appease her, but the reality is I’m completely turned off about being in a relationship. I don’t know how to describe it to her or anyone really. But I get overcome with anxiety when I think about seriously dating anyone. I’ve even tried dating a couple of people, but within a short time, I feel smothered and get the urge to run.

It’s not that I’m not over him. In fact, I can honestly say I would never go back to him. And I’ve really discovered myself again without him. And it’s not that I’m stuck all aspects of my life. I got offered a great job opportunity, moved to a new city, have really gelled with my new coworkers and made some great friends in a short time.

I just have a hard time letting go of everything – especially something that was such a big part of my life. Perhaps, because I’m afraid that I will forget. Or because part of me, deep down, knows I will never find a connection like that again? Or maybe I’m just scared of failing again? Even though I wasn’t the sole reason my marriage failed, I am partially to blame for sure. Or getting too emotionally attached and getting hurt again?

Here, in my new city, I love that I am not defined by my past. But yet, I can’t shake it.

I am at a standstill and I’m paralyzed when it comes to romantic relationships.

I also have lost a bit of my ability to dream and hope in an aspirational way. I wanted to become so many things when I was younger and with someone who (at one time) believed in me and backed me in my endeavors. But now, I’ve lost a little bit of that drive and feeling. It happened when I lost him.

He took a part of me when he left. And no matter how hard I try, I will never get that back. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer, artist, wino, foodie, photographer, creator, explorer by night and weekend. Read more of my work here.

Keep up with Megan E. on Instagram and

More From Thought Catalog