A broken heart that catches you off-guard is worse than a heartbreak you can sense is coming – your gut feeling can prepare you for much more than you anticipate. This is what happens when I’m left to pick up the pieces after you shattered me without warning.
First, I’ll miss you. I’ll see you through rose-colored lenses and recall only what I loved about you. I’ll daydream about what could have been, what should have been. I’ll long to text you, to hear your voice, to share in our inside jokes, to see your face. I’ll remember all the reasons I liked you in the first place. I’ll think of all the memories we made together and the things we did, the places we went. I’ll think of how happy you made me, if only for a short while. I’ll long to hold you close again, to kiss you one last time, to smell your cologne on my skin and the tickle of your beard on my cheek.
I’ll replay our first date in great detail in my head. I’ll remember all the nice things you said to me, all the times you made me feel good. I’ll remember the feeling of comfort you instilled in me in every waking moment. I’ll long to be able to have those intimate pieces of you back, those pieces I’ll never have again. I’ll miss how it felt to sleep in your arms, to wake up to breakfast in bed, and the physical closeness that only happens in relationships. I will replay every detail I memorized of you, from the color of your eyes to the way you walk to the way you smell.
Then I’ll be sad. I will be sad because of how much I miss you. I will cry – a lot. I will contemplate where I went wrong; I will think I wasn’t good enough. I will call you at 2 am after I’ve drank too much to tell you how I feel, to try to figure out where we went wrong. I’ll drown my sorrows in weed and whiskey in an attempt to get my mind off you, but it won’t work. I’ll try to get you to explain yourself to me so I can understand why this happened when I thought everything was okay. I will overthink.
I will question every action I ever made and didn’t make. I will agonize over every detail. I will stay in bed for hours at a time thinking about you, watching our shows and listening to music that reminds me of you only to make myself cry some more. I will chain-smoke cigarettes and drink more wine than normal. I will reiterate every reason why I thought you were the perfect person, and perfect for me. I will try to rebound and get upset all over again when everyone reminds me of you. I will see your face in strangers on the street, run to my car and cry. I will be a hollowed-out shell of myself. Everything will remind me of you.
Then I’ll be angry. I’ll be angry because you made me sad. I will curse your name. I will wish I never met you, because not knowing you would have saved me exponential heartache. I’ll write bad things about you (cryptically) on social media, badmouth you to my friends, and call you names. I’ll make playlists of angry, F.U. music and blast them 24/7. I will scream into my pillow. I will get drunk and scream everything I wish I could scream in your face to a picture of you.
I will call you every name in the book and mean it. I will hate you for making me feel like I was led on, like I wasted my time, like I was lied to while you got your shit together. I will hate you in general, if only temporarily. I will hate you because everything reminds me of you. I will hate that I still have feelings for you after you tore me down, and I’ll hate myself for letting myself fall for you in the first place when you weren’t man enough to catch me. I will hate every piece of you that attracted me to you in the first place in an effort to prove to myself that you aren’t worth it.
When the anger and the hurt subside, I will be raw. My heart will be open. Then I will be afraid. I will be afraid of letting my guard down to the next man. I’ll be worried of getting hurt all over again. I will be afraid of putting trust in people. I will be afraid of you moving on, even though we both need to. I will be afraid of being alone, of facing the world without you. I will be afraid of the unexpected. I will be scared when the next man has similar character traits to you.
And then I’ll accept it. The sun will rise and set and I’ll realize life goes on, even without you in it. I’ll realize that there are worse things in life than getting your heart broken, and that I’m now one step closer to ending up where I’m meant to. I’ll realize that you couldn’t give me what I needed and that you weren’t Mr. Right. I’ll realize that life has a plan and you’re no longer part of it. I’ll realize that this isn’t the end of the world, that there is beauty in every day.
I’ll realize that it’s YOU that’s missing out – not me. I’ll realize that staying with you when you weren’t treating me the way I should have been would feel worse than heartbreak. I will realize that my self-worth is more than holding onto you and your memories. I will get over you, once and for all. You will go from being the first thing I think about, to the second, to the third, until eventually you’re just a passing, once-in-a-while thought.
And finally… I’ll be thankful. I’ll be glad that I met you. I’ll be glad I was able to share months of memories with you. I’ll be thankful I have good times to look back on, knowing I made you happy as you made me. I will realize that this wasn’t a waste of time, because I had fun, because you meant something, and because I learned something. I will be glad to know we had a connection. I will take solace in the fact that you were an important part of my life.
I will be thankful for you helping teach me what is and is not acceptable in a man. I will be comforted in knowing my own strength, knowing that I am the only one who can make me happy. I will understand that this battle I’ve fought has prepared me for the blessings to come.
And I will be at peace.