Working Out Sucks

You know what I hate? People that “love” working out. You know why? Because they’re LIARS. Not a single soul can honestly tell me they enjoy getting their heart rate up uncomfortably high or inflicting pain on themselves in the form of sweat and muscle cramps. I automatically lose respect for people who claim to like such activity. Maybe you like that it makes you skinny or will make you feel less guilty about eating that donut later. You might even like the tight little pants or the fact that you can look at yourself in the mirror the whole time. But there is no way you like EXERCISE. I can barely even say the word without cringing.

And why am I the only person that complains during workout classes? I mean, COME ON she’s making us do effing burpees! And not a single grunt??? Fine. I’ll speak for the class when I say, “HOW MANY MORE I’M ABOUT TO DIE AND I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!”

Workout class instructors are some of the biggest power trips. One time as we walked into the class, the instructor told us to go to the gym next door and “take a lap.” What am I—in seventh-grade basketball practice and just missed a layup? Plus I hadn’t even done anything wrong yet, except, of course, making the decision to go work out. Also, it’s complete bullshit when the instructors tell you that just a couple of weeks of intense exercise before spring break “won’t make a difference.” They’re just trying to get you to come back to their class. Just because you look good in yoga pants and can speak into a Backstreet Boys headset while working out without shortness of breath doesn’t mean you know my body. Let me give you readers some advice better than any doctor’s: Crash diets/workouts DO work. Very well, actually. I once dropped ten pounds in a week. You CAN fit into that size two dress by next week! If none of your friends believe in you, know that there’s someone out there that does.

Talk about TORTURE! I was once in a Zumba class where the instructor made us do SQUATS to an ENTIRE JUSTIN BIEBER SONG. Painful on so many levels. I mean, we actually were not permitted to rise above a sitting position for three and a half minutes of white-boy falsetto and rapping about “chillin’ by the fire while we eatin fondue.” Not only is that lyric extremely un-clever, but please don’t mention fondue when I’m trying to lose weight. While I was ever-so-awkwardly “pulsing” my butt to the beat of Bieber, I was the ONLY person in the class to say, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!” No one else even looked disturbed in the slightest. Are you all robots??? The DISHONESTY.

I speak to everyone when I say you’re not alone. Every single one of us hates working out just as much as you do. Let’s just get real. Lying to ourselves gets us nowhere. Let out a yell. Admit your weaknesses. Don’t leave me by myself in this movement. Don’t give anyone a gym membership for Christmas unless they were very bad this year. #workingoutsucks #refinedsugarrocks