Thought Catalog

Lies I Have Told

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“I’m itching my belly button.”

I used to masturbate a lot as a kid. This was what I would tell my parents I was doing when they would try to talk with me about it. I remember them looking at each other with concerned, yet amused faces.

“I just woke up and Lady was peeing on the couch.”

This was told to my mother at around two in the morning when I was eleven years old. Lady was our dog. I had fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV. I was dreaming that I was looking into an old-fashioned water well. I said “Megan” into the well and listened as the sound of my name reverberated at one-second intervals. I woke up rhythmically urinating in the same intervals as I was hearing my name in the dream.

“I’m one quarter Jewish.”

The girls I ate lunch with freshman year of high school identified strongly with their religions, which were mostly Christian. One girl was a Mormon. My family isn’t religious at all. I thought being a little Jewish would give me an “edge.” One quarter seemed small enough for me to not have to explain a lot, but everyone acted curious and confused. The Mormon girl asked me what holidays I celebrated. I said we went to my uncle’s for Hanukkah.

“We go to my uncle’s for Hanukkah.”

I don’t have an uncle.

“I think I’m having a migraine.”

The night before my half sister’s grandmother’s funeral, I drank a bottle of cough syrup. I was seventeen. I still felt high when I woke up. After I took a shower, I sat at the top of the stairs, wearing only a towel. My dad came over and looked at me and asked if I was okay. I said I felt a little funny. He said my pupils were dilated. My mom would get bad migraines where light hurt her eyes and her pupils got big. I said, “It hurts to look into the light. I think I’m having a migraine.” We stopped for Excedrin on the way to the funeral.

1370

This is the SAT score I tell most people I received. I actually got a 1020.

128

This is how much I tell people I weigh. Last time I checked I was 134.

“I was molested.”

Told this to the third man I was physically intimate with. I think I was eighteen. We were in a play at community college together. He was twenty-three, lived with his parents, and wore the same thing every day. We maybe had a total of three conversations before I invited him to my parent’s house where we immediately went down to the basement to make out. He lifted up my shirt and started kissing my back in strange places. He said, “I want to experience all of you, I don’t just want to hit the main spots and run” while looking at me intensely. I thought this should’ve been arousing. He went down on me for maybe twenty minutes. We were lying on an orange carpet. I felt like I needed an excuse for not having an orgasm.

“I’ve only done this four times.”

Said this to the second girl I had oral sex with. I had done things with three girls, but only had oral sex once.

“Seven, I guess.”

The twentieth man I had sex with told me he considered a woman to be a “slut” if she had more than nine sexual partners.

“I am allergic to honeydew.”

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    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      I liked this. Funny at parts. Sad at others. Entertaining, of course. Makes me wish I lied more.

      • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

        Me too. I made an effort to stop pathological lies a couple years ago.

        • Jordancastroisthepresident

          sweet

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

      what kind of cough syrup was it

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        nyquil, the blue kind, lol

    • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

      i liked this. i lol'd several times. i like the video idea. nice, creative idea

      • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

        end part is really nice

        • Jordancastroisthepresident

          thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • http://rei-kawakubo.blogspot.com/ David Jones

      this was fun to read. i've lied about my SAT score a lot

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        nice, same

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro / sweet

    • Lolbro

      “Hopefully he has gone through a severe depression but is not currently severely depressed. An interest in writing, reading, literature, and/or existential philosophy is important”

      soooooo tao lin?????????

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        hehehe

        hehe…

        • Sandy

          tao is such a ladies man… thoughtful, handsome, published author, intelligent, funny…. what more can you ask for.

        • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

          are you…my mom…

        • Sandy

          yes son i'm just proud of you bro but lay off the drugs! i D.A.R.E you ;-)

        • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

          are you…really my mom…

          does my mom know 'D.A.R.E.'…

        • Jordancastroisthepresident

          lol…

          sweet…

        • Jordancastroisthepresident

          hehe

      • Drinkbinge

        sounds like me too, bro

        • Jordancastroisthepresident

          can you please elaborate re “sounds like me too, bro”?

        • Jordancastroisthepresident

          can you please elaborate re “sounds like me too, bro”?

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        can you please elaborate re “soooooo tao lin?????????”?

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        can you please elaborate re “soooooo tao lin?????????”?

    • http://clarifiedconfusion.blogspot.com aaron nicholas

      this was fantastic! seems like writing something like this would be cathartic and self-affirming, while amusing and humorous for us to read. i loved it. thanks for being, megan.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thank you / you’re welcome

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thank you / you’re welcome

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • http://www.facebook.com/wingedthing Leigh Alexander

      feel like i really admire megan now..

      this was awesome

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • saramcgrath

      golden retrievers are my spirit animal, i am going to own only golden retrievers. i lie about hating sour cream too for the same reasons. i lie about a lot of things. i liked this, this was good.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet, thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

      1370 was my actual SAT score..

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        lol…

        sweet…

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

    • http://chrysler5thavenue.blogspot.com chrysler5thavenue

      Really doubt the authenticity of this list.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        bro…

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        bro…

      • a polar bear

        commenters names on tc gettin' all gawker-y.

        • http://chrysler5thavenue.blogspot.com chrysler5thavenue

          what's gawker-y?

    • Drinkbinge

      i like megan boyle shes just good i want to buy something she published

    • http://timothypresence.com/ Timothy Willis Sanders

      lol'd

      feels honest and funny…thanks MB

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thank you / you're welcome

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thank you / you’re welcome

    • http://www.facebook.com/adamhump Adam Humphreys

      sent a link to my wife, described this as “revealing human megan boyle article”… such a retard

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        lol… thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        lol…

        thanks bro

    • cassandratroyan

      Nice, Megan.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle
      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        hehe, sweet

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        hehe, sweet

    • jordanobscura

      I lie all the time. I relate to this. Good job.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Lying down

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet…

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet…

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

    • http://counter-force.com Marco Sparks

      I bet you smell really nice. Also, it's like you described my whole life in this one simple sentence: “I woke up rhythmically urinating in the same intervals as I was hearing my name in the dream.” Thank you.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thank you / you’re welcome

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thank you / you’re welcome

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • http://kathbarbadoro.tumblr.com Kath

      I have told most of these lies before.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

    • Scorpion

      Megan Boyle,

      You seem very interesting. I also think it would be interesting if you to wrote a new submission with anything you lie about online to your readers.

      -Scorpion

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

      • A POLAR BEAR

        Finish him.

    • Giles

      Last bits made me think of 'will to life' and something like 'primordial desire to procreate.'

      Is 'severe depression' the same as clinical depression. In my head it just seems like a bad case of the blues.

    • Nils Norelius

      also want to buy something published by megan boyle

    • faith

      “That isn't a hickey. I fell off my bike.”
      I got away with this…

    • angsty anthropologist

      I think I meet your criteria for a relationship; want to move north?

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