Lies I Have Told

“I’m itching my belly button.”

I used to masturbate a lot as a kid. This was what I would tell my parents I was doing when they would try to talk with me about it. I remember them looking at each other with concerned, yet amused faces.

“I just woke up and Lady was peeing on the couch.”

This was told to my mother at around two in the morning when I was eleven years old. Lady was our dog. I had fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV. I was dreaming that I was looking into an old-fashioned water well. I said “Megan” into the well and listened as the sound of my name reverberated at one-second intervals. I woke up rhythmically urinating in the same intervals as I was hearing my name in the dream.

“I’m one quarter Jewish.”

The girls I ate lunch with freshman year of high school identified strongly with their religions, which were mostly Christian. One girl was a Mormon. My family isn’t religious at all. I thought being a little Jewish would give me an “edge.” One quarter seemed small enough for me to not have to explain a lot, but everyone acted curious and confused. The Mormon girl asked me what holidays I celebrated. I said we went to my uncle’s for Hanukkah.

“We go to my uncle’s for Hanukkah.”

I don’t have an uncle.

“I think I’m having a migraine.”

The night before my half sister’s grandmother’s funeral, I drank a bottle of cough syrup. I was seventeen. I still felt high when I woke up. After I took a shower, I sat at the top of the stairs, wearing only a towel. My dad came over and looked at me and asked if I was okay. I said I felt a little funny. He said my pupils were dilated. My mom would get bad migraines where light hurt her eyes and her pupils got big. I said, “It hurts to look into the light. I think I’m having a migraine.” We stopped for Excedrin on the way to the funeral.

1370

This is the SAT score I tell most people I received. I actually got a 1020.

128

This is how much I tell people I weigh. Last time I checked I was 134.

“I was molested.”

Told this to the third man I was physically intimate with. I think I was eighteen. We were in a play at community college together. He was twenty-three, lived with his parents, and wore the same thing every day. We maybe had a total of three conversations before I invited him to my parent’s house where we immediately went down to the basement to make out. He lifted up my shirt and started kissing my back in strange places. He said, “I want to experience all of you, I don’t just want to hit the main spots and run” while looking at me intensely. I thought this should’ve been arousing. He went down on me for maybe twenty minutes. We were lying on an orange carpet. I felt like I needed an excuse for not having an orgasm.

“I’ve only done this four times.”

Said this to the second girl I had oral sex with. I had done things with three girls, but only had oral sex once.

“Seven, I guess.”

The twentieth man I had sex with told me he considered a woman to be a “slut” if she had more than nine sexual partners.

“I am allergic to honeydew.”

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  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    I liked this. Funny at parts. Sad at others. Entertaining, of course. Makes me wish I lied more.

    • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

      Me too. I made an effort to stop pathological lies a couple years ago.

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        sweet

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

    what kind of cough syrup was it

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      nyquil, the blue kind, lol

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    i liked this. i lol'd several times. i like the video idea. nice, creative idea

    • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

      end part is really nice

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • http://rei-kawakubo.blogspot.com/ David Jones

    this was fun to read. i've lied about my SAT score a lot

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      nice, same

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro / sweet

  • Lolbro

    “Hopefully he has gone through a severe depression but is not currently severely depressed. An interest in writing, reading, literature, and/or existential philosophy is important”

    soooooo tao lin?????????

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      hehehe

      hehe…

      • Sandy

        tao is such a ladies man… thoughtful, handsome, published author, intelligent, funny…. what more can you ask for.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        are you…my mom…

      • Sandy

        yes son i'm just proud of you bro but lay off the drugs! i D.A.R.E you ;-)

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        are you…really my mom…

        does my mom know 'D.A.R.E.'…

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        lol…

        sweet…

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        hehe

    • Drinkbinge

      sounds like me too, bro

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        can you please elaborate re “sounds like me too, bro”?

      • Jordancastroisthepresident

        can you please elaborate re “sounds like me too, bro”?

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      can you please elaborate re “soooooo tao lin?????????”?

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      can you please elaborate re “soooooo tao lin?????????”?

  • http://clarifiedconfusion.blogspot.com aaron nicholas

    this was fantastic! seems like writing something like this would be cathartic and self-affirming, while amusing and humorous for us to read. i loved it. thanks for being, megan.

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thank you / you’re welcome

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thank you / you’re welcome

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    sweet

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • http://www.facebook.com/wingedthing Leigh Alexander

    feel like i really admire megan now..

    this was awesome

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • saramcgrath

    golden retrievers are my spirit animal, i am going to own only golden retrievers. i lie about hating sour cream too for the same reasons. i lie about a lot of things. i liked this, this was good.

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet, thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

    1370 was my actual SAT score..

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      lol…

      sweet…

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet

  • http://chrysler5thavenue.blogspot.com chrysler5thavenue

    Really doubt the authenticity of this list.

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      bro…

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      bro…

    • a polar bear

      commenters names on tc gettin' all gawker-y.

      • http://chrysler5thavenue.blogspot.com chrysler5thavenue

        what's gawker-y?

  • Drinkbinge

    i like megan boyle shes just good i want to buy something she published

  • http://timothypresence.com/ Timothy Willis Sanders

    lol'd

    feels honest and funny…thanks MB

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thank you / you're welcome

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thank you / you’re welcome

  • http://www.facebook.com/adamhump Adam Humphreys

    sent a link to my wife, described this as “revealing human megan boyle article”… such a retard

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      lol… thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      lol…

      thanks bro

  • cassandratroyan

    Nice, Megan.

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle
    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      hehe, sweet

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      hehe, sweet

  • jordanobscura

    I lie all the time. I relate to this. Good job.

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Lying down

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet…

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet…

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet

  • http://counter-force.com Marco Sparks

    I bet you smell really nice. Also, it's like you described my whole life in this one simple sentence: “I woke up rhythmically urinating in the same intervals as I was hearing my name in the dream.” Thank you.

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thank you / you’re welcome

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thank you / you’re welcome

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

  • http://kathbarbadoro.tumblr.com Kath

    I have told most of these lies before.

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      sweet

  • Scorpion

    Megan Boyle,

    You seem very interesting. I also think it would be interesting if you to wrote a new submission with anything you lie about online to your readers.

    -Scorpion

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • Jordancastroisthepresident

      thanks bro

    • A POLAR BEAR

      Finish him.

  • Giles

    Last bits made me think of 'will to life' and something like 'primordial desire to procreate.'

    Is 'severe depression' the same as clinical depression. In my head it just seems like a bad case of the blues.

  • Nils Norelius

    also want to buy something published by megan boyle

  • faith

    “That isn't a hickey. I fell off my bike.”
    I got away with this…

  • angsty anthropologist

    I think I meet your criteria for a relationship; want to move north?

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