Thought Catalog

How to Make Friends and Convince Them You Are Someone Fun and Not Insane and Worth Inviting Next Time

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If you smoke and you’re around non-smokers, don’t smoke. If you don’t smoke and you’re around smokers, find something to do with your hands. Don’t recount dreams, unless they can be condensed into one sentence. When telling stories about people you barely know, have met once, or invented—refer to them as your “friends.” Buy a round of shots. Buy two rounds of shots.

“When people ask where you’ve been, say ‘Mexico.'”

Memorize jokes. Nod your head, but not too vigorously. Keep your mouth open and slightly smiling. Are you chewing gum? Keep your mouth closed, avoid smacking sounds. Slouch artistically, not lazily. This is done by making sure your neck doesn’t follow the line of your spine. Adjusting your pants too much will make you look suspicious. Point to the left and exclaim “Oh my god,” then pull them up quickly while no one is watching. When people ask what you saw, say “I thought someone was getting robbed.”

Avoid wearing too much denim. Keep dental floss in your purse. Do not scream when bees zoom past your ear. Do not scream at the post office for no reason. Do not scream in the Arby’s drive-thru line when you realize that not only will you die alone, you’re no longer hungry.

Be open about your personal life, but do not accidentally tell the story of how you drank two bottles of wine and awoke on the kitchen floor to the smell of burning noodles on the stove. Limit your drinking to one night a week, unless you are with other people. If you notice you haven’t showered in six days or left your apartment in four, take a shower. After your shower, fall asleep for twelve hours. When people ask where you’ve been, say “Mexico.”

Do not be alarmed when your cell phone dictionary does not recognize words like “breakdown,” “clitoris,” or “antisocial.” You shouldn’t be sending text messages containing these words, anyway. Have a mental reserve of pronouns to use when you forget people’s names. None of these pronouns should include “asshole,” “jerk-off,” or “dad.” Do not write letters to the man you lost your virginity to. Do not write poetry.

Follow an attractive stranger on the street. Photograph the back of his head with your cell phone. When a group of girls are standing around you talking about their relationships, interject phrases like “I hate that,” “Oh no,” and “I know, right?” Talk about your relationship, even though you don’t have one. Say “He never calls me, I always have to call him. It’s so annoying.” Show them the photo of the back of the stranger’s head. Say “His parents are from Tibet. He thinks photographs steal little pieces of people’s souls, but he let me take this one. You know, for as much as the little things frustrate me, we really have something special.” Blush.

Know about history and politics. Read about music. Read about current events. Take notes. Memorize them. Get interested in something. Hiking. Sushi. Cubism. Exude “Take me skydiving with you,” not “Milk makes me gassy.” Do not lose focus in the presence of others—you might repeat yourself or laugh inappropriately. Carry a small, heavy rock in your pocket. Grip it firmly when you feel yourself drifting away. TC mark

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Poetry Lovers! 💖

Love a soft person. The ones who are positive, even in the worst of circumstances. Someone whose strength is not in bravado, but in their quiet. Someone who is strong for others because that is what is needed in that moment. Someone who is the moon that soothes instead of the sun that burns. Someone who sees the very best in people even when you think they aren’t worth it. The kind of person who always wants to do the best for those they love.

“I bought this on a whim to read as I was resting for the night, and I do not regret it one bit! Everything about the poetry in this book is amazing, heart breaking, and soul searching. It will lift your spirits on your darkest days. I want to thank the author so much for writing this, as it’s something I will be rereading a lot! Always remember, everything about you is important. You matter.” —McKayla

Click to heal your heart

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  • http://richardchiem.wordpress.com richardchiem

    wow. this is so sweet.

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      sweet

  • jordanobscura

    megan boyle is the lorrie moore of my RSS feed

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      sweet jordanobscura, sweet

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    sweet

    typing this sentence because it keeps deleting when i type only 'sweet'

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      sweet bro

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    Feel like this explains why I have no friends. I kept thinking “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck” the entire time I read this.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      do you know stephen tully dierks

      same middle name

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

        I don't. Should I try to know him?

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        he is one above you in this comments section

        same last name, seems interesting

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

        Alright, I am going to try and “befriend him” with “How to Make Friends and Convince Them You Are Someone Fun and Not Insane and Worth Inviting Next Time” in mind.

      • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen (tully)

        Hello Tully. I am also Tully. Tully

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

        Nice to meet you. So I hear you are from/live in Chicago via google. Only been there once and it wasn't great. How do you like it?

      • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen (tully)

        damn. i like chicago. sorry to hear it wasn't great for you. i spent a lot of time alone/eating “cheese fix”/chugging 40s while watching indie films my first two years in chicago, but things have really improved this year. nice to meet you as well

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

        All of those seem relevant to my interests so doesn't seem to bad. I was on the southside, near an airport? Show got cancelled, promptly went to Whole Foods, got lost, eventually left. It looked nice though. How have things improved over “chugging 40s while watching indie films” and is that possible?

      • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen (tully)

        hehe

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        the tully connection

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    nice job, megan. i particularly like the last two sentences

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

      Hello. I am Julian. We have the same middle name.

      • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen (tully)

        Hello. Yes. Hi. How are things?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

        They are decent I guess. Could be worse. I am gearing up to go on tour. How about yourself?

      • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen (tully)

        word. good luck on the road. hope you “melt some faces” and/or “incite group sing-a-longs.” things are fine, thanks

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        this article has become a tully hot spot…sweet…

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

        I am not sure how this happen. Sorry?

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        seems sweet…'tully hot spot'…hehehe…grinning…

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

        If a friendship forms your article in conjunction with the “Tully” are the sole reasons. Fostered by Tao. Seems good. Also grinning.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        fostered, nice

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      thanks stephen, sweet

      :)

  • http://twitter.com/0mSweet0m Niagara Fallingstar

    That part about the rock is totally true and it really works too.

  • Piquo

    Not too many rocks, and not crack rocks. Unless that is what grounds you.

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      grounding ass crack rocks…

      • Piquo

        You & Tao should do “Crack” for MDMA next.

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        do you have crack

      • Piquo

        I know a guy…

        Or,

      • Guest

        wtf, don't encourage him to smoke crack

  • http://twitter.com/jessdutschmann Jess Dutschmann

    Going to do the rock thing

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      sweet

  • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

    kinda concerned re how much denim is too much denim

    • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

      like is “too much denim” measured temporally or by a ratio of denim/not-denim in a single outfit

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        hm. think i was just thinking of an entire outfit where the dominant fabric is denim, i.e. jeans and denim shirt + jacket. have also seen people wearing stuff like this and it looks okay…

      • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

        seems complicated

  • http://madisonl.tumblr.com/ Madison Langston

    Would like to know other words that shouldn't be included in text messages.

    Last sentence makes it all seem 'okay'

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      i replied to this but it got deleted…

      think essentially i wanted to say 'sweet, madison' and that 'pap smear' should also not be included in text messages

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    If a friendship forms your article in conjunction with the “Tully” are the sole reasons. Fostered by Tao. Seems good. Also grinning.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen (tully)

    damn. i like chicago. sorry to hear it wasn't great for you. i spent a lot of time alone/eating “cheese fix”/chugging 40s while watching indie films my first two years in chicago, but things have really improved this year. nice to meet you as well

  • http://timothypresence.com/ Timothy Willis Sanders

    initially read 'When people ask where you’ve been, say “Mexico.”' as 'When people ask where you’ve been, say “Mexicans.”'

    lol/sweet post…

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      lol, sweet timothy…

  • Jordancastroisthepresident

    good job megin!

    • chriss angel

      pretty sure yr not the president bro.. what do you mean by that? can you elaborate?

      • jordan castro

        that is my e-mail address

        i'm the president bro…

        i feel confused

        i'm the president…

      • http://twitter.com/_justvibing @_justvibing

        lol

      • Brett

        you just won me over.

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      thank you jordin!!!!

  • Brett

    feel sexually attracted to you after reading this……..

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      damn…

      • Criss Angel

        awkward

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        ;)

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        megan ass boyle

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        sexual ass attraction…

      • jordan castro

        ass sex boyle…

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        castro ass sex ass castro

  • crispin

    damn. “Richard Chiem and 2 other friends shared link.”
    internal monologue is saying 'shamwow'.

    • http://richardchiem.wordpress.com richardchiem

      'shamwow, megan boyle'

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      sup crispin

      sweet…sweet asssssssss

  • elaine

    helpful

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      ;)

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    I enjoy everything you write. Blacking out while cooking is fun. It seems the things that would make people 'like you' seem less 'attractive' to friendship compared to the things you shouldn't say. Like not showering and sleeping forever seems awesome. Texting 'clitoris'–awesome. I loved–“Do not scream in the Arby’s drive-thru line when you realize that not only will you die alone, you’re no longer hungry.” Currently I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs, pummel my own face, do some sort of drug that would temporarily make me not exist, but then exist later because I want to exist.
    And poetry!! No one has every made a friend or gotten laid by writing poetry. You give poetry to a girlfriend after at least 6 or longer. You do not admit you write poetry.

    • Mcelmurry78

      An Obese comment. I suck

      • Guest

        yea, I read like three lines and considered replying w/ “cool analysis, bro”

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        it's all good brian

        feel appreciative of long comments, seems flattering

        i'm glad you like things i write

        “Currently I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs, pummel my own face, do some sort of drug that would temporarily make me not exist, but then exist later because I want to exist.”

        nice…

  • i just

    i like this it makes me just not want to bother

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      sweet…maybe…

  • Jeff

    Ok so this is fucking amazing. I read it more than once so I could re-experience its kickass awesomeness. There aren't any lines in it that suck.

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      damn, sweet, thanks jeff

  • link

    great ending

  • http://twitter.com/waxdustcoat A.M. THOMAS

    no one likes people who write poetry.

  • http://libraryofdust.blogspot.com Giles

    Dear Megan,
    I was going to see some people today that I have previously been close friends with (one in fact was an ex-girlfriend) but now do not see them all that much.
    I felt nervous about the sort of impression I would leave on them after my visit, so I read this article in preparation.
    It helped me immensely in my interpersonal skills and damped any lingering 'social anxiety' on my part. It went so well that they even invited me to their New Years Eve party, which I am still undecided about attending.
    Thank you for your help Megan and making me a more well rounded and sociable individual.

    • http://libraryofdust.blogspot.com Giles

      grammar… dying. wish i could edit this.

      “damped” = dampened.

  • Jewell

    You are awesome. This is gorgeous.

  • andy

    wow. sweet

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