When the right one turns around and says he doesn’t love you anymore, just a few hours after telling you that he did while between the grocery aisles, you are allowed to cry. Even though he always said he hated your tears, even though he said he could never stand them.
There is no fault in grieving, and in feeling hurt, because the pain is real and it’s there.
You’re allowed to feel that pain and he is not allowed to hold your hurt against you and claim it’s a manipulation tactic. It’s already hard enough to grieve the living; the death of the relationship didn’t have to mean the death of yourself but you know a little part of you died and you’re more than welcome to grieve.
When the right one tells you that he does not want you, you are allowed to feel lost. It isn’t wrong to have these emotions frantically scrambling to cradle whatever was left of the late night kisses you two snuck outside of your apartment. Even though you have an iron clad conviction that you know what a relationship is, it is okay to be lost, because things like this are confusing. Sometimes you won’t know what to do anymore, because what you believed in was shaken. Because you took extra steps with this one, to make sure he was the right one. And you’re allowed to realize that you didn’t get it right this time and it’s okay to be upset about that.
When the right one leaves you, you are allowed to fall to your knees. Because that’s what happens when you make space for someone in your life, and you open your heart wide enough so that they can be part of it. It is okay that your world collapses a little bit. You loved him and you can’t just erase that between the broken sobs you breathe out. And moving on to being just friends isn’t as easy as a simple switch, because you can’t turn off months of emotions and trust and memories. And as much as you might not want to lose each other, you’re allowed to let go even when you can’t and you’re gripping on so tightly your knuckles are creaking in protest. Some things aren’t in your power anymore, and that’s not your fault.
When the right one leaves you, sometimes you can’t sleep because your pillow will be drowned in tears and sweat. You won’t rest because your mind is shouting, playing over and over all the horrible things and amplifying the insecurities he confirmed when he walked away, even when he already helped you pack them into the corners of your personality so they’d help you grow to be someone better.
When the right one leaves, you might feel like sleeping all the time because being unconscious means at least that you won’t have to feel anything that the daylight brings.
There is a dead kind of restlessness when he leaves. And it’s still there and it might wrap around your throat, choking tighter on your memories, on your begging, on his name. Maybe you’ll want to do something stupid just to burn away all the moments that he made you feel real, and safe and wanted. Sometimes that happens, but please love, don’t.
When the right one leaves you, you feel like all you’re left with are mistakes. And sometimes you blame yourself.
When the right one leaves you, it’s not completely your fault. Because sometimes he didn’t give you that choice. Because he decided to leave you, and damn the consequences. Because sometimes he’s the one who wasn’t enough and no amount of you being beautiful and wonderful or strong could have fixed him if he didn’t want to. And that is not your fault.
You don’t need to listen to him when he says that you need to find someone else because you just need to find yourself again for now. You just need to breathe and have it not feel like a thousand glass shards are swimming through your blood stream. You just need to be able to fix your hair in the mirror and not see a mistake and a failure. And slowly, you will be everything you need.
When the right one leaves you, it will hurt like a bitch. But you’re allowed to need your friends and your family. You are more than welcome to every distraction. And some of them may remind you of him, and some of them may make you break down again. But since the right one left you, at least you’ve done something for yourself and that’s the right thing for you.