The reason why doesn’t particularly matter.
Maybe you’re underpaid, overworked, or both. Maybe you’re in an all-lady office and the combination of synchronized perioding has become too much – it’s time to sew your womb shut or escape the futile bickering by filling it (Note: gentlemen, please consider Junior-like technology).
Whatever the motivation, quitting isn’t an overnight decision. It’s a process, like brewing beer or waiting for a hipster to make you a pourover.
What are the warning signs, though? And how can you tell if it’s for real, for real quitting and not the typical tendency to silently stew and then drink until it doesn’t matter? Because it can be hard to tell the difference between for real, for real quitting and the regular Groundhog Day nightmare of 40 hours spent managing data, attending meetings that might as well never have happened, and trying to hide your sobs from neighboring cubes. I understand, trust me.
So, are you going to quit? This yes-or-no quiz can help.
1) Have you logged into your bank account twice or more in the past month to divide your total savings by the number of months you might reasonably expect to be unemployed? If yes, 5 points
2) Did you iterate this mathematical projection in ideal, moderate, and severe circumstances? Note: It doesn’t matter if your ideal circumstances involved a relative you’ve never heard of leaving you millions of dollars or simply involved finding $20 in your winter coat. If yes, 3 points
3) Have you pondered the minimum number of possessions you’d need to sell in order to pay rent? If yes, 5 points
Ethics & Philosophy
1) Did you steal between one and five notebooks and between one and ten fancy pens? If yes, 1 point
2) Did you take home a bottle of that Organic Ginger Hibiscus cleaning spray or a bottle of the pale pink soap they put in the bathroom because you want to save money after you quit? If yes, 3 points
3) Did you steal a printer cartridge to sell online (see Item 3 in Math) If yes, 7 points
1) Have you previously not seen the dentist in more than one year and suddenly booked an appointment? If yes, 2 points
2) Have you been googling things like: “Is it cancer?” and “Home remedies for a UTI?” for months before finally deciding to consult a human being trained to address such concerns? If yes, 3 points
3) Are you actually getting your annual physical? Like, nothing seems wrong but you’re going anyway just to double-check? If yes, 5 points
1) Have you added new skills to your LinkedIn profile in the past two weeks? If yes, 1 point
2) Did you also add all the co-workers at your present gig who you don’t hate? If yes, 2 points
4) Did you swallow all sense of dignity and message someone you hate to see if they know of any opportunities in your field? If yes, 15 points
Bonus Test: What’s the policy on how much employees are paid out for their PTO?
1) If you know the answer, 15 points
2) If you’ve been meaning to look up the answer, 5 points
3) If you’ve never wondered, -5 points
20 points or higher: You’re definitely going to quit. Like, you probably quit before you even finished the quiz.
15 to 19 points: If you don’t pussy out, you’re definitely going to quit.
10 to 14 points: You might quit, you might not. In fact, you may not even have a job.
0 to 9 points: You either earn enough to dull the pain of all the BS or do so little that changing jobs would come as a shock to the system.
-5 points (exactly): Your job involves earning in hundreds of thousands of dollars, eating burritos filled with carnitas and avocados, and drinking micro-brewed beer. Kudos!
What did you get? Let others know in the comment box below.