I reached my saturation point today. I wanted complete isolation, with no one watching me or even listening to me. If I had it my way, the streets would have been empty. I would have had the freedom to walk through them, alone, at my leisure. Silence, and peace and quiet – not a sound to be heard.
No disturbances. No accountability.
“What can I do to make you feel better?”
Leave me alone.
Tonight was the first time I have ever felt like pushing back against this person I have spent the last two-and-a-half months in constant conversation with. No, we’re not in a romantic relationship; if anything, it is a friendship on steroids. I do have feelings for this person. He doesn’t reciprocate, or – at least – he is confused about whether he does. Sometimes, I’m confused, too. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at someone the way I’ve caught him looking at me without loving them. To be frank, right now, I don’t care about what he feels. I have never wanted anyone to leave me be so much as I have with this person today. My sadness today wasn’t to do with him to begin with, but I certainly didn’t want him to help me feel better.
It’s not that I’m angry with him. I just feel as though his presence takes over, somehow. Since we met, my life has been full of him. And, right now, I want it back and I want it all to be mine and only mine. I want to recreate that distance, rebuild my boundaries, hit rewind and watch ourselves reenact our friendship – but, this time, backwards and in slow motion. Feeling safer with each step away, as the distance between us grows wider and wider as we move back to two separate and distinct points. That would make me feel so much better.
I’m not saying I want it permanently, but I want that physical space now. To show that I have my self-respect, to show that I am not always going to be here, to prove that distance means something. I’m forcing it now because I know that this feeling is not going to last forever, and because I know how quickly it may be replaced by my missing him and settling for something that doesn’t make me happy. I want to hold on to this feeling now, because, at least now, I feel like I am in control. And I have learned, time and time again, just how bad of a sign it is when my comfort in a relationship depends on who is in control.
I know what it looks like I get swallowed up by someone. I know what it will look like if we continue with my emotional investment on a deeper level than his. The truth is, my life is much bigger than this. My wants and needs are much more than this. My feelings are not limited to this. I write when I feel overwhelmed, and – right now – this is not all that I want to write about. I want to get past the point of writing about failed relationships that I can’t see past. I feel so much more than this, and this is not all I have to say. But this is all I have to say about him.
I just want to be left alone, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.