Words: Ugh, sorry I look like this. I just worked out.
Reality: I just spent 30 minutes or more fixing my hair and putting on makeup to make you think I look decent after working out.
Words: I am allergic to gluten.
Reality: I need attention and feel like having an eating disorder for a little while.
Words: Oh, she seems nice. How do you know her?
Reality: DO YOU WANT TO FUCK HER? HAVE YOU ALREADY FUCKED HER? WAS SHE BETTER THAN ME?
Words: Seriously. It’s fine. I am totally over it.
Reality: I am not even slightly over it and will be bringing this up a lot, especially when I am drunk.
Words: Ughhh I am so fat.
Reality: Tell me how skinny and pretty I look. NOW.
Words: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Reality: I would probably throw up if we had sex, unless I was blackout drunk, and then I would throw up the next day and every time I thought about it after that.
Words: I really haven’t thought about it.
Reality: I bring this up almost every time I open my mouth.
Words: I have nothing left to say to her.
Reality: I am going to not talk to her anymore but I will talk ABOUT her to you literally nonstop.
Words: My friend is obsessed with you.
Reality: I am obsessed with you.
Words: I was just about to call you.
Reality: I totally forgot you called me.
Words: What did I ever see in him?
Reality: I am hanging on by a thread and need you to tell me what a douche my ex was and how great I am while I chug this bottle of Pinot.
Words: I don’t want anything for my birthday.
Reality: I want you to throw me a huge surprise party and buy me an expensive gift.
Words: You guys are so cute together!
Reality: I am alone and jealous and hoping this ends badly.
Words: You’ll never guess what happened!
Reality: I am about to tell you the dumbest story you’ve ever heard. It probably won’t have a point but I’m going to make you listen to the whole thing because I love the way my own voice sounds.
Words: Promise you won’t tell anyone?
Reality: I should def not be telling you this and have already told at least 6 other people.
Words: Was I super annoying last night?
Reality: I need you to tell me that the awful, obnoxious way I was behaving was actually funny/cute/endearing.
Words: I’m staying in tonight.
Reality: I’m going to watch Lifetime movies in my underwear and eat an entire (family size) bag of Cheetos.
Words: I hope it works out between the two of you!
Reality: I hope it works out but not until I have a boyfriend too.
Words: Can everyone please stop freaking out and just give me two minutes!?
Reality: Let’s steer the focus and attention back on me please.
Words: I’ve been having the worst luck lately.
Reality: I’ve been getting hammered every night and acting like a spoiled brat/total slut and everyone is sick of dealing with me.