My Love Life Is Pretty Sad

My love life is pretty sad, that’s no joke. Like many other women and men, I keep going after the wrong guy or girl. My therapist says I do it because I “enjoy opening up wounds and don’t think I deserve to be loved” but I think she probably wasn’t single as she rounded out her 20s and should STFU.

In July of 2012 I had a blowout of a breakup with this guy and several friends of mine encouraged me to join okcupid. They also used the site and thought it would be a good way to distract myself and possibly meet someone new. I made a profile and looked at a few people, then didn’t check it again for a few months. I finally resolved to actually start messaging people back and even went on a three dates with some nice people, but let me share a few of these other gems with you which is a relatively good sample of the people on there.

The first guy who asked me to do something said he was new to Memphis and was 48 years old. He was a little (a lot) out of my dating age range but I figured maybe I’d be nice and meet him for a drink because he said he just wanted to meet some new people and wasn’t interested in trying to date. Either way, it seemed like a really easy way to get murdered. I considered going but set it up so that if I wanted to back out I could by telling him I might have to work late and would have to let him know ‘the day of’ if I could make it. Well, I chickened out so I told him I had to work late and would have to reschedule. He didn’t take it very well. Here’s the exchange:

Me: Hey, sorry, but it looks like I am going to have to work late. Maybe we can meet another time.

Him: Are you serious? You are by far the rudest person I have met in Memphis. My ex was an ER doctor and was probably way busier than you are and she always made time to see other people. Don’t bother trying to see me EVER!

Me: Can’t believe y’all broke up.

Here’s a list of some “introductory” messages after that exchange I got that I never replied to. The best part about these is that there is no pre-text. This is the message the guys sent as their inital message to engage in conversation:

“I love the F word.”

“TiVo!”

“What is your apocalypse escape plan?”

“I’m cool!”

“You seem intense. Want to get coffee?”

“What’s up? I’ve always thought I was pretty cool.”

“I just finished some coffee. What are you up to lol?”

“You have a dog named Marley? Marley and Me. Now I’m depressed. Thanks bitch.”

“Let’s LOL together.”

“I have no idea what to say.”

“I’m moving to Memphis from Houston because I just got divorced and I never meet any women here who don’t have several chins. Would you be up for having a drink and finding out why we are 7% enemies?”

“Damn you are sexy. Do you like submissive guys?”

“Can I take a picture of you so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas?”

“Would you rather fight 100 squirrel sized bears or 1 bear sized squirrel?”

Like I said, I was trying to actually give the site a quasi-shot so I did respond to some people. Usually when I was drunk. Here’s how some of those went.

Him: Would you ever want to chat with an Australian guy?

Me: Let’s throw another shrimp on the barbie!

Him: Not off to a great start.

_____

Him: How are you?

Me: Oh you are a “country man?” (his handle was “country man”)

Him: Wanna text?

Me: Are you a serial killer?

Him: Nope. Just want a gf to spoil.

Him: Let’s text.

Me: Why do you want to text so bad? Pump the brakes, Ted Bundy.

Him: You are soooooo pretty.

One of my FAVORITE guys on there was this misogynist named WADE. Loved him. His profile mentioned how smart he was about 8 or 9 times and how he wanted to meet people who were sad so I messaged him because he was hot and seemed super psycho and I was at home watching American Psycho alone on Saturday night. Here’s how THAT panned out.

Me: Are you as smart as Nikola Tesla?

Him: Wow. You like “literature and film.” You like to “hang out with your friends” and you have a dog. Congratulations. You’re the most boring person in the history of existence. You actually don’t have a personality. I’m pretty sure if Nikola Tesla met you, he’d spit in your insipid face. If you ever manage to obtain a personality, let me know and I will evaluate how stupid it is for you.

Me: Neat.

Him: Take a good long look at yourself. I’m just trying to help.

Me: I’m going to update my okcupid profile to talk about how smart and sad and angry I am as soon as I finish guzzling some beers and LOLZing and drawing hearts over my i’s. Thank you for helping me from your computer.

Him: You assume I am only this way behind a computer. If I had met you on the street I would have had the same reaction.

(We then proceeded to have an intense 6 message long debate about FLAG BURNING and he gave me his phone number. Sadly, I never met him because we got into a text fight less than 3 hours after I got his number and he told me to “fuck off and never contact him again”)

I gave a Memphis cop on there my phone number. He used to text me EVERY DAY saying “good morning” or “hi” and that was about it. Every 3 days or so, he’d forget who he had texted and would ask me to send him pics which I never did. One day I told him we met at 201 when I was leaving jail and he replied back “lol really!?” He stopped texting me after that.

A guy on there who was pretty hot and seemed SUPER crazy messaged me. So of course I gave him my number. 3rd text, right off the bat, was a picture of him naked in his bathroom. He had a tramp stamp. He kept asking me for pictures and I kept saying I didn’t sext. He took that to mean he should text me a picture of his dick. I got that picture while I was driving home and almost died. Later that same night, after about 5 hours of no response from me on the penis picture, he sent me a 5 minute video of himself jacking off. TO COMPLETION. WITH SOUND. I showed it to everyone in the bar, he caught onto that and told me to “LEAVE HIM ALONE!”

All that said, I did meet 3 guys on there who made me laugh a lot and were pretty cool. Two of them I have gone out with several times over the past couple of months. One of them is cooking me hot dogs for dinner tonight and hopefully won’t murder me. TC mark

image – hillary the mammal

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