First and foremost, I would like to thank Liz Lemon/Tina Fey for introducing us to the idea of dealbreakers. Although they’ve been around for centuries — I like to think that Fey was the pioneer of these. Dedicating several television episodes and a small yet effective career arc to the concept that we as women, regardless of age, size or stature, have standards and are allowed to stick to them. The following are dealbreakers that are big ass red flags that should tell you to run for your life, and stop wasting your time.
1. His mother is the final decision on all clothing purchases. I love a man who’s close with his mother, but, there is a line.
2. He doesn’t like dogs.
3. He scoffs at your drink order. (Do you, girl. Do you.)
4. He has a cycle, loop, roster, etc.
5. His profile picture is still of him and his ex.
6. He doesn’t do his own laundry.
7. He flirts with other girls in front of you.
8. He tells you what to wear. (Fuck that. Fuck. That.)
9. He’s not a feminist. (It’s 2015, y’all. Get with it or get out.)
10. He Irish Goodbyes, you included.
11. He cheated on you / with you. (This is a “duh” moment, but trust me when I say there are plenty of us special unicorns in the world that truly believe we can “fix” a cheater, and that we are different, that he would never do that to us. FALSE.)
12. He’s shady about his phone. (ALERT ALERT: if he’s constantly hiding his texts and calls from you, he’s probably got a side game going on.)
13. He’s a bad drunk. Whether it’s temper or Slop City, steer clear.
14. He’s freaked out that you’re more successful than he is.
15. He can’t hold his own when you’re out and about, and expects you to be at his side at all times. (We call this specimen The Leech.)
16. He doesn’t trust you. Jealousy monster, anyone?
17. He’s pretty to look at, but when he opens his mouth to speak you want to die inside.
18. His personal hygiene leaves some things to be desired. (Is it really that hard to shower every once in a while, dude?)
19. He’s in a relationship, but tells you he’s going to break it off for you. (Gross. Wait until he’s broken it off before you dive into that slimy pool of infidelity.)
20. He doesn’t know how to compromise.
21. He doesn’t say he’s sorry.
22. He doesn’t admit when he’s wrong.
23. He “forgets” you were supposed to get together.
24. He isn’t respectful. (Of you, which side of the bed you sleep on, or your love for Beyoncé. Any and all apply.)
25. He has no interest in learning new things.
26. He wears two polo shirts and pops the collars on both.
27. He’s not supportive of your career/hopes/dreams.
28. He picks fights with you because he can.
29. He shares your secrets with his friends.
30. He doesn’t get excited about things. (Regular things and sexual things.)
31. The sex is bad. Some people just aren’t compatible. Sad, sad truth.
32. He lives off his parents.
33. He doesn’t let you listen to Taylor Swift when you really, really need to.
34. He doesn’t like you exactly the way you are.
35. He doesn’t like pizza. Suspicious.
36. He’s never seen the movie Jumanji.
37. He’s pretentious as fuck, and makes you feel as though he’s intellectually superior, when really he’s just an asshole.
38. He doesn’t have friends. There’s a reason for that.
39. He has no direction. These men are like the Bermuda Triangle, they suck you into their directionless abyss and the next thing you know you’re 42 and what happened to my life goals?
40. He doesn’t think you’re funny.
41. He talks about his ex frequently.
42. He hasn’t told his friends/family about you.
43. He doesn’t acknowledge when you’re upset.
44. He doesn’t know how to build a fire. WHAT IF THE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS? I’m not saying he needs to be Paul Bunyan but. Firebuilding is a basic life skill.
45. He’s homophobic, racist, etc etc etc. Even if you try and rationalize it by saying oh he’s only a “little” insert terrible attribute here. Nobody is a little bit homophobic, a little bit of a racist, or a little bit of a bigot. Mark my words.
46. He has no personality.
47. He’s grossed out by your period. Grow the fuck up, dude.
48. He asks if you’re PMSing any time you’re upset.
49. He doesn’t like to dance. Everyone needs to bust a move every once in a while, right?
50. He gives bad vibes to your friends.
51. He slutshames other girls.
52. He is constantly high. This can be super chill and fun for a while, but it gets old.
53. He‘s not passionate about anything.
54. He’s rude to his mother.
55. He can’t make up his mind. About anything.
56. He wears loafers without socks in the dead of winter.
57. He wears anything without socks in the dead of winter.
58. He never invites you over to his place.
59. He’s intimidated by your vibrator.
60. His fingernails are longer than yours. Creepy.
61. His fundamental beliefs are different than yours. (I.E. equality, marriage, kids.)
62. He’s more concerned about getting himself off than making sure you’re satisfied.
63. He uses emoticons, but not emojis.
64. He has no interest in seeing the world.
65. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women.
66. He wants you to call him “Daddy” in bed.