1. Your living space is never going to look like an Anthropologie vignette.
2. You will reorganize your closet 3 times a month and never be satisfied.
3. In order to not go on an online shopping bender when you come home from a night at the bar, you will have to do one of two things (and sometimes both): 1) hide your laptop from yourself, 2) let your phone die.
4. Online dating is a dark, dark place.
5. Online dating is a dark, depressing place if you live in a small town.
6. More than two drinks will now result in a wicked hangover.
7. More than four drinks and you will make some bad decisions.
8. Slamming an entire bottle of wine by yourself is considered “uncouth” by family members and adult-friends alike.
9. If the Parking Guy has it out for you, it doesn’t matter if you put coins in the meter or not. He’ll find a way to screw you.
10. The world is obsessed with Kim Kardashian, just give in. Follow her on Instagram and get it over with.
11. You will never be on Taylor Swift’s level of happiness.
12. Pinterest is where dreams go to die.
13. Making a New Year’s resolution means absolutely nothing. Same with giving things up for Lent. Neither confetti, another year wasted, nor Jesus can motivate me to go to the gym 5 days a week, and that’s the gospel truth.
14. When you write online, people will troll you. Because we live in the age of internet anonymity and trolls. It comes with the territory. Get used to it.
15. A $4 bottle of wine does not even come close to a $40 bottle of wine, and so on. Pink Franzia will not only make you slutty, it will wreck your life in every way possible. (Seriously, last time I slapped the bag and weezed the juice, I woke up with a bruise longer than the Mississippi on my left leg. And I still don’t know what happened.)
16. Parents are human. They make mistakes, and need to be forgiven/loved/valued/etc just like us. They are not the Gods we thought they were when we were five.
17. Jonathan Taylor Thomas is never going to make a comeback.
18. Adele is going to make us wait as long as humanly possible for her next album, and she truly does not care how much we want/need it right. now.
19. Glitter is the STD of craft supplies. Avoid contact at all costs.
20. You will run into someone you really don’t want to run into while wearing sweats, Uggs, and three day old hair/eyeliner at the grocery store.
21. If you try to run and hide during this ordeal, you will be even more noticeable. Just suck it up and say hello.
22. If you buy avocados in bulk whilst feeling like a baller after you get your paycheck, they will get mushy and you will be throwing your money out the window.
23. If you ignore your problems, creditors, parents, voicemails, emails, etc —they will not go away. They will snowball into terrifying volumes.
24. Procrastination will always bite you in the ass.
25. Your metabolism is slowing down. Just because you can order fries with every meal now that you are an adult, does not mean you should. (Cue internal sobbing.) Throw some vegetables in the blender once in a while.
26. The snooze button is not your friend. I repeat, the snooze button is not your friend.
27. Having a roommate can be fun and whatever but living alone is where it’s at. You can do whatever the fuck you want and nobody judges you. Dishes in the sink for three days? DGAF. Teaching yourself to twerk in the mirror on a Wednesday night? DGAF. 13 empty wine bottles next to your bed? DGAF.
28. You will hate your job at least once a month. Usually more than that.
29. Speaking of jobs: Noone is going to knock on your door and offer you the job of your dreams. You have to hustle.
30. Time management is up to you, now. There is nobody around to tell you “15 more minutes on the computer”, and in a nutshell, this is the best and worst part of adulthood.
31. Chances are you are not going to meet the significant other of your dreams at a bar.
32. Volunteering not only makes you look like a good person, it makes you feel like a good person. Intrinsic reward, people. Try it on for size.
33. The dryer is not a substitute for an iron. It will do in a pinch, but when in doubt, get the ironing board out.
34. Your parents were actually right about some things. It might be painful to admit, but throw them a bone once in a while.
35. Taxes suck. Do them anyways.
36. Disliking Top 40 does not make you cooler than people who like Top 40.
37. Comfortable shoes are KEY to a successful night out.
38. Quality > quantity. You can buy 7 winter coats from Forever 21 and throw them away within a season, or spend wisely and buy one coat and wear it for 10 years.
39. Chances are, you are probably not where you thought you would be at this age. It’s okay. It’s really okay.
40. People are going to call you Sir and Ma’am. Try to save your tears for behind closed doors.
41. You are going to be invited a lot of weddings. Budget accordingly.
42. If you are still single, like me, people are going to try and set you up with everyone under the sun.
43. You are allowed to say no to the aforementioned set-ups.
44. You are also allowed to tell all of your nosy friends and family to (politely) fuck off when they inquire about your love/sex/dating life.
45. FOMO isn’t as strong as it once was. The gravitational pull of yoga pants and Netflix is strong. Guess what? It’s totally okay.
46. Doing stupid shit is no longer considered endearing or hilarious. Past the age of 25, doing stupid shit is just considered doing stupid shit. And it will catch up to you.
47. Self control around Girl Scout Cookies is a myth.