If you turn on any news program on TV at any given time during the day, you are bound to observe a number of individuals who have made a career out of talking out of their asses. Turn on E!, and you’ll see a family who has let one derriere do all the talking for them: the Kardashians. That ass has spread itself (and no, I’m not talking about how Kim got really big during her pregnancy and I’m not looking to make a joke about her love of raunchy sex) into a multi-million dollar empire, complete with several televisions series, stores, and clothing lines (and lest we forget Rob’s sock line). At the center of this self-centered, frivolous solar system sit Kim and her butt, which sadly is and always be the most interesting thing she has ever produced. Round butt, flat personality. Despite how inherently unlikeable Kim Kardashian may be, I believe there is something we can learn from her and her recent engagement. I’m sure you haven’t heard about it. It was a very subtle and understated affair involving a jumbo-tron, an orchestra, and the perpetually mellow pair, Kanye West and Kris Jenner.
I will be the first to admit that at during the early seasons Keeping up with the Kardashians, I was a fan. I thought the (obviously scripted) pranks the family members pulled on each other were funny, and The Hills just wasn’t giving me enough face time with Brody Jenner. Perhaps it was my own fondness for the show—and the millions of other viewers like me, who were sadly not enriching our intellect by watching PBS—that has led to the unavoidable, over-the-top Kardashian culture that we are all sadly forced to endure thanks to the brains of momager Kris Jenner (back to Kardashian?) and the behind of Ms. Kim.
I have not seen the show in several seasons because I find the constant bickering among the family members obnoxious, and their self-indulgent behaviors are unseemly. These highlights of these behaviors include alcohol and drug abuse and the over-sexualization of young women. Over the seasons, we have witnessed Kim complain that she’s worthless without a man, the youngest daughters pose half-naked for “modeling” jobs, and Khloe and Kourtney settle for relationships with partners no self-respecting woman should. The Kardahsians actions to are toxic contributions to our already self-involved, image obsessed society.
Last week, the nation let out another collective eye roll at this family, when Kim and Kanye West announced their engagement. In the days that followed, E!, for which the Kardahsian empire is the primary money maker, released detail after detail about this magical moment, just as they did two years earlier when Kim announced her engagement to Kris Humphries. In a lot of ways, E! is like the Bruce Jenner to the Kardashians. Once a respected and fun institution, it has been hollowed out (like Bruce’s cheekbones) to be nothing but a pawn in the Kardahsian chess game.
A few days ago, this magical news became too much for me to bear. I deleted the E! app off my phone because I couldn’t tolerate hearing about Kante’s lavish—and some might say outlandish—proposal at the Giants baseball stadium in San Francisco anymore.
I have made the conscious decisions not to indulge in this drivel any longer. I can continue to lambaste Kim, Kris, and the rest of the Kardashian clan for making a mockery of the institution of marriage, or I can choose to be happy for her. This comes as a complete-180 from how I usually feel about Kim Kardashian, but I have decided I don’t wish her ill. She has a child, and that child deserves to grow up, if possible, in a home with two parents who love her. Wishing Kim and Kanye would break up is wishing a baby to have to endure the pain and sadness of divorce.
What’s more, Kim’s happiness does not take away from the happiness available to me and any other hard-working single person on the planet. There is not a limited supply of happiness out there, and she is not abusing the system. Kim may be annoying and lacking in talent, but she has the exact same inalienable rights as every other American out there: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
While it’s true that another person’s engagement or happiness can sting a little—or a lot depending on who the person is and how we feel about them, it does not mean that we are destined to be alone forever. She may be like that annoying friend who has a new awesome relationship every .05 milliseconds, but Kim is a decade older than I am, she has a solid career (kind of—I don’t really know what she does all day), and she has a child. I don’t want to settle down right now, and I am definitely not mature enough or financially stable enough to want or have a child. This is her time. Granted, it’s her time for the third time, but it’s still hers. It does not mean the single person’s time won’t come when it’s right.
For Kim’s sake, I hope the third time is the charm. I am sure it didn’t make for a relaxing pregnancy to still be legally married to a man who was not the baby’s father. Moreover, every woman has body image issues, and I am sure that it didn’t feel great to be compared to a whale or have a meme made about her every time Kim left the family compound.
Overall, the kind of media scrutiny Kim faces day in and day out does not sound appealing in the slightest. Sure, the persistent pursuit of celebrity and attention her family craves causes this, but sometimes, I want to leave the house without make-up or in my snowman pajama pants. Kim can’t do this. Or she can, but then the media will make comparisons between her body shape and the little characters on these pants. Neither option sounds like a jolly good time to me.
Kanye’s ridiculous proposal, complete with a corporate sponsorship, a 50-piece orchestra, and the most desperate, least romantic way to ask ever (MARRY ME PLEASEEEE), speaks to his and the family’s desperate need for attention. Before I stopped my E! alerts, I read that the wedding is going to be huge and lavish, just like her last. All I keep thinking of is when Mr. Big remarks Carrie in the first Sex and the City movie as she’s planning her own huge and lavish wedding, “This is my third marriage. How do you think this looks for me?” All around, the answer is not good.
For her and her baby’s sake, I hope that Kim puts more thought into this marriage than the last one. I hope she considers life beyond the wedding day, which didn’t seem to be the case with Humphries. I hope that she has learned from her mistakes and found someone truly compatible. In a lot of ways, Kanye is the perfect match: overly convinced of his talent, desperate for attention, obviously insecure. By marrying him, Kim has not taken some enviable guy off the market. Kanye is self-centered and kind of rude most of the time. That’s not something I want to wake up next to everyday for the rest of my life. She can keep him, and it would be ideal if she kept him away from conducting any more interviews about his “genius.”
The true genius here is Kim. Despite never having done anything exceptional except having butt implants or maybe having done a lot of squats, she has managed to keep us all talking about her a decade after her fifteen minutes were up. She has outsmarted us all. Sure, we may have collectively groaned to hear about her 15-carat ring (a tasteful downsize from the 16-carat one from Humphries), and some of us may have laughed at the misfortunes of her divorce or the havoc that pregnancy wreaked on her body, but in the end, Kim is the one who gets the last laugh. And she is laughing all the way to the bank.