The best secrets are the one’s you tell in dark. I don’t know if it was because I’d just run a 5k a minute slower than the week before, talked to one of your friend’s, or the fact that it was Valentine’s day- but something prompted me to blurt out the one thing I’d been thinking for the past 6 months, “I don’t know if I can love more than one thing at a time.” My coach paused for a second, letting the steering wheel slip through her hands, “I totally understand.”
When I was in high school my friend’s went on date’s and partied, and I trained and raced. On the day of prom they got their hair and makeup done, and I ran at regionals, missed pictures, and arrived to the venue a few hours late. Running was my world, and everything else was secondary. Then I found you.
It’s hard to say when it happened- the moment when my priorities shifted, the moment when I fell so hopelessly in love with you that I forgot how to exist when not in your presence.
When I went back to college I realized that being away from you was painful- I woke up every morning with the strange sensation that something was missing, almost as if someone had cut off one of my limbs in the middle of the night. I was off balance, consumed by thoughts of you, and running terribly.
I was living in a constant panic, and lacking the patience and maturity to deal with the situation logically, I did the only thing I knew how to do, I ran. I went out of your life as quickly as I came into it- and I left with no explanation.
It’s been 6 months since we broke up, and I have everything I’ve ever wanted: Incredible friend’s, a phenomenal coach, a paralegal degree in progress, and a 5k time that’s a minute and seven seconds faster than last year. I finally feel like my old self again- I’m focused, passionate, confident, and I have every reason to be unbelievably happy- so why is it that each time I step off the track I have to stop myself from dialing your number? Why is it that you still visit me in dreams, and I see your face in every person I meet? Why does every song I hear remind me of you, and every line I write express you in some form?
I left you go because I couldn’t love you and running at the same time. I didn’t have enough soul to give both of you. I thought that letting you go would make things easier- and in many ways it has. But I still love you, in the same heart wrenching way I did. I think of you, often, and wonder how you are. I still wake up and feel like I’m missing a limb- and I have to remind myself that I had a permanent amputation, and I’ll never get you back.
Maybe someday, I’ll learn to balance the sectors of my heart- and maybe someday you’ll forgive me for destroying yours. Maybe the residual scars will fade, and you’ll become a stranger- someone vaguely familiar that I just can’t place. Until then I’ll be on the road with my hair whipping in the wind, legs propelling forward, and my entire soul contained in a pair of size 9 Asics shoes.