How The Serial Monogamist Really Feels About Love And Commitment


I’m the commitment type.

I’m not ashamed of it. I don’t feel weak or too vulnerable, and I don’t consider myself to be needy or clingy. I don’t need the comfort or security of a relationship, but I want it. I’d rather have it in my life than live without it.

In this day and age, so many of us have become cynical when it comes to discussing love. The majority seems to be pro-casual sex. More women are embracing modern day feminism, liberation or empowerment through sex and independence. Mostly those that are too afraid to admit that they actually wish they could find love are the ones who most frequently question the happily committed.

It’s not a bad thing to prefer being single if it really makes you happy. But it’s also not a bad thing to choose being in a relationship, if you want to be in one for the right reasons.

Most conversation revolves around love and relationships, or a lack thereof. Even if men and women don’t admit it, love and relationships are often at the forefront of the mind. It’s inevitable. Even if we say we’re single and happy, and feel a sense of empowerment from being on our own, it’s rare to come across a human being who does not at least entertain the idea of being in love in some way.

Yet as universal as love can be, there are still a few myths commonly associated with those of us who openly prefer the committed relationship.

So, here are some things to think about the next time you question that girl who is always in a relationship, or the guy who seems to be the serial monogamist.

1. We’re looking for the kind of love that friends and family can’t give.

But that doesn’t mean that we’re desperate for love, or need validation.

We can rely on our friends for words of encouragement when we’re feeling down. We can call them when we’re lonely, and we can rely on them to pick us up if we need a hand, and vice versa. We know that our best friends and our family will always be there for us, and we would do anything for them. But at the end of the day, we’re still single.

A friend can’t love you in the way that a significant other will. Sure you can sleep with a friend, and have casual, non-committal sex. But the connection is just not the same as the connection felt from having sex with a significant other.

Sex with a romantic interest becomes more than just a great physical connection. An entirely new layer of emotional connection is thrown into the mix, and it stirs emotions inside of you that you didn’t even think you could feel.

2. We tend to choose to put sex on hold until we know you’re going to be around for a while, but if we sleep with you sooner than later, it doesn’t mean we’re not the commitment type.

If you meet somebody who isn’t quick to jump in the sack with you, then they probably want to actually take the time to get to know you first. It’s not a bad thing.

And in some cases, some couples sleep with each other very quickly. Depending on what they want and what they are looking for, the sex will stand as a one-time thing, develop into casual sex, or become something more.

When you meet the one who is looking for more than just, “casual,” though, you’ll feel it from them. It’s an aura they walk around with. It’s a vibe they’ll give off. Even if you sleep with them quicker than expected, you’ll know that they are looking for more than just sleeping with you, because they’ll want to actually let it be known that they want to get to know you in the process.

Don’t mistake a person’s need to feel wanted for a need to just be needed. There is a fine line. Generally speaking, the relationship type will let you know that they are looking for love because they are choosing to be in love, not because they need to be in love to be happy.

It’s not about desperation, or insecurity, or needing to seek validation, or an inability to be alone. It’s simply a choice that we’d rather risk finding and losing love than living without it altogether.

3. There is a fine line between being crazy, and being emotional.

Some women openly call themselves crazy, and most men joke about women being crazy. Jokingly or not, it’s not a very healthy thing to do. It’ sort of a slow, progressively detrimental thing to say to yourself, and it’s certainly not a characteristic that should be ascribed to women, or men for that matter, right out the gate.

Ladies, say it enough and you will start to actually believe that you are crazy. Men, hear it enough and you will start to believe that all women are crazy.

Chances are, what people really mean when they use the term, “crazy,” is that they’re indirectly implying the fact that women, or men, are emotional.

It’s true, but it’s not a bad thing.

Relationship men, do you guys want to date a girl who is incapable of feeling? Same question for the ladies who are the relationship type… do you really want to date a guy who is incapable of conveying his feelings to you? Or is hesitant to tell you or show you how he really feels?

If you do, then great! Sleep with them, call it casual sex and all is fine. You do you. Nobody should judge you for it.

But for those of us who prefer a relationship, who prefer to form a deeper connection with another person, it’s not a bad thing to feel. It’s not a bad thing to be a little vulnerable. It doesn’t make us weak, and it doesn’t mean we’re incapable of being sane. We just care for you deeply and hope that you feel the same way, and sometimes when we think you may not feel for us as strongly as we feel for you, we worry.

We sometimes may not handle it in the best way, but that doesn’t mean it comes from a place of, “crazy.” It comes from a place of vulnerability, and a fear of potentially losing someone that we really care about.

Often times the bravest and most courageous of us are the ones who are vulnerable enough to take a risk in love. Call us crazy or not, at least we’re willing to take the risk in revealing our true feelings, our truest selves to you. We have the courage to love, while others do not.

4. The thrill of the chase does not seem so thrilling. But that doesn’t make us boring.

We don’t care to play games. We’re past that.

Sure the thrill of the chase often seems more satisfying than the simplicity of throwing all of your cards on the table so openly. The chase is exciting and thrilling, but give credit to the one who is willing to show you their cards without any games played.

Sometimes the game can go on too long, and then we tire. We get bored, we move on to the next game, and the next, and so on and so forth until eventually we become so cynical that we see no existence outside of jumping from one game to the next. Soon our dating life becomes more of a constant state of chase and less of a stable, secure, meaningful existence.

You want a thrill? You want a little chase? You can have that in an easy, simple, game-free relationship. Take a trip together, explore new things in bed, or try that new Thai restaurant down the street. Jump in head first, when you’re ready of course.

There’s just no need to live for the thrill of the chase when you can get an even bigger thrill out of a meaningful relationship, chase free.

5. Despite popular belief, we won’t settle for just anybody.

Preferring to spend our time in a committed relationship doesn’t mean that we’re willing to settle for anybody solely for the purpose of being in a relationship.

We’ll admit that we’re ready to settle down, but waiting for the right one to settle down with is different than just settling down with somebody out of lonesomeness or desperation.

We may jump from relationship to relationship, but we’d rather really get to know a person, instead of casually getting to know somebody while just skimming the surface. We really figure out who we are in getting to know someone on a deeper level rather than dating someone and only getting to know their surface level traits.

Most of those surface level qualities are very similar from person to person, but the hearty stuff inside… your meat and bones, that’s what you want to get to know. You should want to get down to the heart of getting to know somebody. Why have a slice of cake when you can have the whole thing?

6. We often have values that others can’t accept or aren’t ready to accept.

We value love. We tend to value things like family or children, and marriage or committed sex, with feelings. That’s not to say that the independent single guy or gal doesn’t value or want these things, but the relationship type is not afraid to embrace it.

We’re not afraid to admit it, and we’re not afraid to openly say that these things are most important to us, and that they’re what we’re looking for in a potential partner.

Even if we go for stretches of time with no luck in meeting a potential mate, we stay positive. It’s sometimes hard to stay hopeful, but we do because we know that the outcome of a committed bond will bring more meaning to our lives than the outcome of a casual fling, or a one-night stand.

7. We’re not afraid to love.

Some seem so cynical about love these days, as if they’re afraid of it. They feel as though they can’t give up their “personal self,” or as if they’ll lose that person if they let themselves find a meaningful relationship. But that’s not true.

The commitment type can have a successful professional life, and still be in a healthy relationship. We can keep in touch with our friends and see them as often as we want, and still be in a relationship. We can be happy on our own, but we’re not afraid of giving a part of ourselves up to another person.

In the right relationship you can hold on to exactly who you are. The only difference is that you’re sharing that part of you with another person with the hope that they too will share a part of themselves with you.

Think of it like this… you might be losing a part of you, but that part will be filled with that of another person whom you love and loves you. With the right one, you’ll feel completely fulfilled and happy.

The relationship types realize that we can have it all if we choose to stay open to the possibility of having it all in a positive way. We’re open to love, and we’re willing to take the risk to find it.

Don’t fear us. If anything, give us the chance to prove you otherwise. You might come to find yourself feeling love in a way that you never even thought was possible. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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