Do-It-Yourself (Sort Of) Sedation Dentistry

Imagine being roofied, but instead of getting sexually violated in your spaced out state, you get all your plaque and tartar removed. Professionally.

That’s the basic idea behind sedation dentistry. Dentists, realizing that most people severely dislike having sharp metal and strange phalanges enter their mouth, have found a way to triple the number of patients they see each day: Drugs. Good ones.

Admittedly, the roofie analogy may be a bit hyperbolic. After all, patients of sedation dentistry — unlike college freshman — are well aware of the pharmacological agents they’re taking, and the intended effects. But you get the picture.

Sedation dentistry is a hit with both patients and practitioners: Patients have their primal fears and anxieties alleviated long enough to bitch-slap decay and gingivitis, while practitioners earn enough extra cash to build a new wing onto their beach house.

Which brings us to the only real drawback of sedation dentistry: The cost. It can be prohibitively expensive for the average Joe. Many insurance companies won’t cover it unless it is deemed medically necessary. And let’s face it, unless you suffer from seizures or Tourette Syndrome, receiving sedation to have your teeth cleaned or lightly drilled is not medically necessary.

But don’t let your lack of disposable income dash your dreams of pain- and panic-free dentistry. Instead, consider taking care of the sedation part yourself. Fortunately, there are several options available to you:

Benzodiazepines. Popping a Valium, Xanax or other benzo half an hour prior to your appointment will give you the most authentic sedation dentistry experience. After all, these are the drugs most commonly administered by actual licensed practitioners.

Benzos are ideal for people who suffer moderate to severe anxiety before and during routine checkups. If you have a history of vomiting or cutting yourself over the mere thought of a professional dental cleaning, benzos are the way to go.

Narcotic painkillers. Vicodin, OxyContin, Percocet or Percodan can help to reduce anxiety with the added benefit of making you feel invincible. It’s not uncommon for patients who pop these pills to dare the dentist to pull out all their healthy teeth without the use of anesthesia. In most cases, the dentist declines.

One of the benefits of narcotic painkillers is that they make it easier (than benzos) to remain awake throughout the appointment, which is important if you don’t want to miss your chance to rinse or to receive your free toothbrush.

Marijuana. Now we are moving into less conventional methods of DIY sedation for dental visits. Marijuana — though rarely if ever administered by licensed dental practitioners outside of Amsterdam or Humboldt County — can certainly help to relax patients enough to get them through a cleaning or other basic procedure. It’s often a little easier to score than pain meds or benzos; however, there is a greater chance that patients who use marijuana just prior to a checkup will develop serious concerns about the dentist or hygienist being an undercover cop.

If you do choose THC to sedate you at the D.D.S., it’s recommended you use a vaporizer rather than a bowl, bong or joint. Most dental practitioners will refuse to treat you if marijuana smoke comes billowing out of your mouth during an appointment. And even if they do decide to proceed, the contact high they receive could have detrimental effects on their performance — possibly leaving you bleeding or blind.

If you cannot get your hands on or afford a vaporizer, consider ingesting marijuana brownies prior to your dental visit. Just be sure the brownie mix is sugar-free — otherwise it somewhat defeats the purpose.

Alcohol. For those of you who are desperate for low-stress dental care but who have no solid drug connections, there is always liquor. If it was good enough to anesthetize cowboys in the Old West during root canals and bullet extractions, it’s good enough to deaden your fear and minor discomfort during your biannual exam.

Take a shot or four of vodka, whiskey or tequila within an hour of your appointment, and then suck on five Hall’s cough drops 10 minutes before the appointment. If the dentist or hygienist asks why your breath is so mentholated, tell them you have a cold. If they ask why you keep falling out of the exam chair, hiccupping, and trying to pick fights with other patients, tell them you just returned from Afghanistan.

Radiohead. If drug or alcohol use is out of the question (e.g., you are straight edge, a recovering addict/alcoholic, exceedingly boring, etc.), you might consider listening to painfully depressing music to help take your mind off your dental angst. Many patients who’ve listened to Radiohead’s Ok Computer album in its entirety leading right up to their visit to the dentist report excellent results. Others have had similar success with The Smiths, Snow Patrol or Nick Drake.

Should you decide to give this approach a go, be careful not to overdo it or mix the aforementioned musicians. Doing so could result in you aggressively pleading with the dentist to jab your gums with a hook just so you can feel something.

NOTE: Regardless of which method of DIY sedation you select, be sure you have somebody to drive you to and from the dentist office — preferably somebody who hasn’t gotten into your stash or listened to your music.

Sedation dentistry. You owe it to your teeth and gums. Your liver will forgive you. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=514965701 Gonzalo Mauricio Garcia Villeg

    respiratory arrest anyone?

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    Now I know what I’m doing tonight.

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    This was funny and all but I’ve never understood why people freak out over going to the dentist. It’s not that unpleasant or scary.

    • Guestropod

      Uh, one time at the dentist when I was having a tooth capped?  I started vomiting and I tried to sit up but they just held me down by my shoulders and stuck tongs with gauze on the end to mop up the puke as it filled my mouth while I cried.  

      • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

        WTF? That’s terrible. I hope you reported them for that. I guess I’ve only had positive experiences because almost everyone in my family is in the dental field, so they kind of have to be nice to me.

        I’m sorry that happened to you. It sounds traumatic.

      • Guestropod

        Yeah!  It totally was.  Hence my aversion to the dentist :P  I did complain, though!  

      • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

        They should have their license revoked. A lot of dentists do because of getting addicted to self-prescribed pills and this is so much worse and so fucked up.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Nichole, be a dentist
      People will pay you to be inhumane
      Your temperament’s wrong for the priesthood
      And teaching would suit you still less
      Nichole, be a dentist
      You’ll be a success!

      • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

        But I want to be a writer!

      • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

        Gregory is a gas.

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Well, think about it…people calling you “Doctor,” having a starting salary of $100,000…a steady job in shaky times…getting a job with the highest suicide rate among the medical professions (who doesn’t like to live dangerously?)

      • Cleanup

        The “Dr.” title is just that, a title. It’s to signify that they hold a
        doctorate degree. The correct term for a medical doctor is “physician.”
        Once people realize that, they can get over their misplaced sense of
        righteousness in finding lawyers, academics and dentists who call
        themselves “Dr. _____” ridiculous. Maybe when you have an equivalent
        level of education you can make a case for yourself.

        Beyond that,
        dentists are only ostracized because of the history of the profession
        here in North America. That and people just don’t care about their teeth
        enough (the same can be said for not caring about one’s eyes enough).
        Across Europe and Asia, dentistry is recognised as simply another
        medical specialty, a surprisingly progressive concept in North America
        (though a few dental schools have made feeble attempts at recognising
        this fact by issuing DMD rather than DDS degrees). Maybe if this ever
        occurs, proper oral healthcare won’t have the cost and accessibility
        issues it does today.

        And the highest suicide rate thing is a
        myth. In fact, while most healthcare professions have higher suicide
        rates than overall averages, medical doctors actually have higher
        suicide rates than dentists. That said, someone who has such a skewed view of the healthcare field such as yourself would probably be expected to believe in preposterous urban myths.

  • Nick Schneider

    Why draw the line at self administering just the narcotics? For maximum savings just get fucked up and perform the surgery yourself. Not much a dentist can do that can’t be accomplished in your kitchen at 4am with a pair of knitting needles, a small hammer and a hairdryer(for sterilizing the needles of course).

  • kyle

    you forgot to include elliott smith

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