1. Blaming your boyfriend for why you can’t do something.
I know you are both equally clingy, so when I ask you to make plans, please stop blaming it on your boyfriend. I’m sure he doesn’t want to give up watching Modern Family with you for one godforsaken night, but I know neither do you. Telling me that your boyfriend doesn’t want you to go somewhere gives me full permission to call him a controlling douchebag.
2. Instagramming pictures of your boyfriend.
WE GET IT. He’s your #ManCrushMonday. Every Monday. IT NEVER CHANGES.
3. Placing me in awkward situations.
When we actually get to hang out, the only thing worse than not showing up is showing up with your boyfriend. This seems like a great compromise to you—you’re killing two birds with one stone! Meanwhile I am stuck being the third wheel. And worst of all, if you and your boyfriend are getting along that day, I get to pretend that I think it’s cute when you kiss and act lovey-dovey. And if you are not getting along (most likely), I get to awkwardly sit in the middle of your fight. THIS IS SO FUN FOR ME. Why don’t we hang out more often!?
4. Looking down on me for being single.
I appreciate your unwanted sympathy, but while you are building a temporary future with him, I am building a life for myself. No, I am not dating. Do you want to know what I am doing? Building on my career, learning my trade, meeting new people, working on myself at the gym, and maintaining friendships; but you wouldn’t think to ask about any of that.
5. Only calling me when things don’t work out.
Your boyfriend of eight months turned out not to be “the one”—how devastating! Yes, please feel free to call me up to discuss every detail after you have neglected to answer any of my calls for the past half-year. Oh—my sick dog from three months ago? Yeah, he died. Tragic, but please continue telling me that your life is over.