I’m leaving today.
I kept walking back and forth, trying to go back to where I would possibly see you. “One last time,” I tell myself before I finally go. When I knew that time was up, I was hoping I would bump into you in every corner I turned on my way out. It was not until I reached the exit that I knew that I wouldn’t see you again.
I really like you, to the point that I want to give up chasing my dreams. I want to, but I can’t. I admire you, not just because you look good, but because during the short stretch of time of having the chance to peek through you, I knew that you were more than what people saw. I liked you even if you were goofy, sleepy, and tired, because you always had that smile on your face and it felt warm, like sunshine. I adored how enthusiastic you were about protecting the world you live in, how much you loved your mom, and how passionate you worked for your dream too.
I want ‘us’ to exist. I want to give you my heart. I want to love you. You’ve made me happy in the tiniest ways, when I thought I was in a place where work would be my only priority and happiness could not exist. I became happy whenever I saw you and you’d smile at me and talk to me, even though most probably the burst of happiness was just one-sided.
For the first time in a long time, I felt my heart beat – I felt it becoming full, heavy, and then break. I felt ready to love again, commit again, if you were the one I was going to be with. It was like I had my heart wrapped with a pretty ribbon, ready to be given to you. Yet the situation was one where we would need to defy all odds. I felt miserable, even though I knew I was leaving for the right reasons. It felt tragic because once I leave, I most probably won’t ever get to see you or speak to you again. We almost certainly won’t have a chance in the future.
If only things were in the right place, I would’ve definitely fought for you, because I wanted you to want me too. I already imagined all the ‘what if’s’ that wouldn’t exist in a perfect world.
But we can’t change how things are. I know how important my dreams are for me, and this is me choosing myself. It hurts that I have to give up fighting because I know that I shouldn’t be fighting for something that can’t be.
So, I’m walking out the door. I would be lying if I told you I’m not hoping you’ll chase after me, or that I’m not wishing that maybe you’ll come with me. I know you have your own dreams too, and I know that right now, our dreams aren’t meant to be fulfilled in the same place. At this point in our lives, we can’t exist together. My bottled up feelings will, for now, remain unknown to you.
After my last step out, I look back at the place I once walked around, and I smile when I think about the first time I saw you there. The world continues to turn, but yours and mine are now different. Now there can only be hope that, maybe someday, the universe will again conspire for us to meet.
Maybe by then, I will fight for you, and we can finally have our own universe.