I’m Sorry For Keeping My Heart To Myself

Chiara Cremaschi
Chiara Cremaschi

I still remember the day I first saw you. You were across the room, and I was at the corner. I looked at you and I told myself, this was one of those men who could break the fragile little hearts of girls like me. Being the coward that I am, I did nothing except look at you from afar.

Well, I don’t know how it happened, but one day, somehow, something made you come up to me and ask my name. That’s where it all started. For a long time now my life was a flat line. It was like I was a living, breathing creature without a soul. When you came along, I felt my soul start to come back. I could feel that I was alive. From that day on, I was sure I was ready to risk anything just for this feeling to last.

I knew I couldn’t give you my whole heart. But, whatever I gave to you, it was a hundred percent of that.

As days passed, I could feel my heart giving you a bit more, until I knew that one day, I was gonna be ready to give you what I could give when I love someone.

That day never came. Maybe I was too late. Maybe I should’ve given you the love I knew I could give from the start. Maybe I loved myself too much that I was afraid to give you a bigger piece of me because I might lose it. In the end, I still offered you my heart, just to save whatever we had. I was ready to give you my whole heart just for you to stay, but you were already halfway out of the door and I wasn’t able to do anything else as I watched you silently walk away.

Before my two eyes, I saw the fairytale I thought was real crumble down. I couldn’t do anything but watch everything get destroyed and fade away, and when everything was done, I was looking at nothing but a blank space. Just like nothing happened. There were times when I wasn’t sure if it ever really happened.

I knew I wasn’t able to give you my whole heart, but the part of my heart that was already yours was just an empty space after the storm. I didn’t know how to make myself whole again, until I realized that other people still loved me. My friends saved me from the hell hole I put myself in. They gave me all the love they could give just to fill in the empty space that you left.

As I was battling through the storm, I realized how much I could have loved you if you just let me. I realized how much I was willing to give up, if only you let me. I knew how far I could’ve gone out of my way just for you to stay.

In the end, I realized that I was too late in giving you the love you wanted from me – that I was tossing that love away to someone whose arms weren’t open to receive it.

I was throwing away all the love I could give to nothing, and the storm just continued to blow everything away.

You came into my life with the loudest explosion which sent my heart and life on sparks and in haywire. But in the subtlest way, the silence reminds me of how you left, and in every moment of silence, I remember you.

During those moments, I wonder if the silence makes you think of me too. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

There is no other way for me to express the best, the worst, and the most unexplainable thoughts and feelings other than writing.

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