I can see myself ending up alone.
I can see the herb garden that will grow by the window in my kitchen.
Maybe I will have a pet rabbit or a bird or some non-human being that I can take care of,
something that will stay.
I’ll spend my Sunday afternoons at libraries.
I will pile my bookshelf with books on Greek mythology, and herbalism, and history.
I’ll try to learn as much as I can.
I will learn piano and play songs that come to my mind after three too many glasses of wine.
I will make homemade orange juice and have chickens in the backyard.
I will listen to Tchaikovsky as I write books about lost love and finding love and losing it again, while I sit on my porch and watch as the sun rises ever so slowly into the sky.
And I will feel at peace.
It will be a sweet and quiet life.
I will stop my desire to be loved
or to be held
or to be seen
and it’ll be just me.
I will use all the energy I have used on other people and I will channel it into myself.
I will learn that maybe I am too fragile for the love I had chased for so long.
That there is more than being seen and being loved by another person.
That shoving people into your heart and praying that they will hold your hand and will understand,
it will never feel quite right.
I will learn that there is more to me than being a caretaker.
I will take all of this energy I have felt so deeply for others and will channel it for myself.
To feel for myself.
To create for myself.
To truly live for myself.
that will be my rebellion