The thing about perfection is that it’s a place our GPS is constantly set to, but it’s a destination we never actually arrive at. It’s something we invest so much time in, but more often than not, the perfection chase leaves us unsatisfied. It leaves us feeling like it wasn’t worth the effort, and like we haven’t progressed, even when we’ve genuinely tried to.
When we’re struggling to attain a new level of perfection, it’s like we’re trying to nip and tuck at our personalities to selectively include the parts we think might be desirable to someone else. But after trying to hide parts of yourself, you realize that if you’re trying to change to be perfect for someone, it’s not a fit. If you need to develop a side of yourself that isn’t naturally there, hone interests in things you don’t care about just to keep up with someone else, and turn a blind eye to qualities that annoy you, how will that end up? How long can you pretend to be “perfect” in someone else’s eyes?
You aren’t supposed to be with someone who likes the changed version of you. That isn’t what love should be built on. It’s not that I think the person you love should be head over heels about everyone one of your “flaws.” It’s not that they need to share every opinion you have, or every interest. But you shouldn’t have to mask your opinions or snippets of your personality, just like you shouldn’t aim to have someone love you “despite” your imperfections. They should love you and want to be with every part of you – even the imperfect parts. They should want to know each “imperfection,” instead of making you feel like you need to cover them up like blemishes.
I don’t think wanting to change just to fit with someone you care about comes from a bad place. It’s a desire that comes from wanting love. It’s a desire that comes from watching everyone around you seemingly fit so well, and pair off so comfortably, that you start questioning why it’s not happening for you. It comes from trying and trying with different people and wondering why it never feels quite like it’s “supposed” to. It never quite feels right.
And that’s when you start to wonder if maybe it isn’t everything around you that is holding you back from a relationship; maybe it isn’t the people or the circumstance or the place or anything. Maybe it’s that you won’t slide comfortably into a mold someone else wants you to fit.
And the build up of all that doubt is how you convince yourself to be someone else’s version of perfect.
When those doubts sink in, and make you feel like you need to change who you are and what you do just to be compatible with someone else, try to smother them. Make sure that feeling doesn’t grow, because it is not the truth.
You don’t need to make yourself perfect for someone, because put simply, it isn’t fair to you. Then you wouldn’t be your own version of perfect. And sometimes realizing that, and choosing to stay true to who you are, makes coupling off a harder. In fact, it definitely does.
If you are being yourself, inevitably, you will find more people who aren’t fits than people you have an instant connection with. But that isn’t cause to change. That is cause to meet more people, be more discerning, and be open. That is cause to examine who you are, and what you love about yourself. But it isn’t a reason to change yourself for someone else.