You had a hell of a week and are showing up at this party 99% out of obligation and 1% for the free hors d’oeuvres. If there are no appetizers, you’re not lasting longer than 35 minutes at this party, and you’ll be watching the clock for the last 20.
The Holiday Punch
There’s always a nameless punch, and if you try it, you are one of two things: brave or already drunk. The punch is always a half-step away from completely lethal. You pour yourself a cup thinking, “hey, we’re not in college anymore, it’s probably find to drink the alarmingly red beverage,” and you end up realizing that in college you were drinking the watered down shit. Saying “yes” to a brimming cup of punch says that you are about to have too much fun for your own good, and you’ll be going into work late tomorrow, if you make it in at all.
You’re at your office holiday party, and want to get smashed with no one noticing. You’re one of those people who doesn’t actually like anyone you work with, but you don’t want them to know that you need at least three drinks to tolerate them. You’re organized: you’ve already hydrated in preparation for tonight, and know where you left your car, and who you’re splitting an Uber home with. But really, what you need is a different job, and in the new year are ready to find coworkers you actually like, and a more flavorful go-to drink.
You’re the entry-level kid at the office party, and you’re determined to not let it bring you down. You’re trying to get a buzz on, because otherwise your slight intimidation might show, and if your boss is getting crunk, you want to be on their level so you can BOND and ultimately get a promotion all thanks to that fourth vodka cran.
You’ve never been big on holidays, but that doesn’t make you a scrooge. You’re one of those party guests that’s always dressed up a bit more than the others, but it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. You just like being the one in the nice belt.
You have no idea that it’s December. You have no idea you’re over the age of 22. You don’t even know that someone else is picking up the tab for this holiday party. You do, however, know that you’re planning to go home after the party, smoke a bowl, and crave Taco Bell but settle for McDonald’s because it’s in walking distance.
Seasonal Craft Beer (“Mad Hatter Elf Catastrophe Strong American Ale” — or something)
You are the resident beer-consultant of the friend group, and you’re proud of it. However, occasionally your friends have to reel you in, and remind you to turn the conversation toward something that’s not hops-related. You are a borderline snob but you don’t shy away from that title, and, in fact, revel in it.
You are a ’Tis The Season-type person, regardless of the season. It doesn’t matter if you don’t celebrate any holiday in December, or if you celebrate all of them. You’re the type of person who takes advantage of each season as it arises, and as a result, could never live in a climate that doesn’t have seasons. You drink only pumpkin beer between September 15 and October 31, with an occasional Oktoberfest mixed in for diversity. Your summers are about vodka lemonades, and white sangria. Even when you’re single, you wear pink on Valentine’s Day and give people candy hearts. And in December, you can be found holding a cup of eggnog, doing your, “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” impression.
Gin and Tonic
You are three years passed the Vodka Cranberry Gal, and are glad to have surpassed that bumpy, but ridiculously fun stage in your life. Much like your taste for vodka, your tolerance for people has waned, and you are no longer looking for an excuse to talk to the hot, mid 30s new executive at the office holiday party. You’re over the “drinking to get drunk” hump, and came to the holiday party to hang out with friends, have a few drinks and then NOT wake up hungover the next morning.
The Wine You Brought To The Party
You’re an extremely picky person, but you also like to be Miss or Mister Manners. You never show up somewhere empty-handed, and always like to be the guest that brings something extra. However, you also know that you’re not going to want the punch, or the wine the host picked out, so you make sure to bring a drink you’ll like, so you can drink that. You also ate before you came to the party, because you know that you’re going to be able to find something wrong with every dish on the appetizer table.
Lemon Drop Shots
You’re not even trying to make New Year’s resolutions because you know you’re not going to keep them.
The Champagne And Elderflower Cocktail
You are a trendsetter. You are three steps ahead of everyone, did yoga two years before all the other Lululemon Yogis, and you drink kombucha like there’s a mass shortage and you need to consume it all before it goes extinct. You enjoy a classy cocktail as much as you enjoy your leather over-the-knee boots that subtly match your infinity scarf.
You’re in your mid 20s, but everyone assumes you’re pushing 30, and you’re fine with it, because, honestly, you might be pushing 50. You’re at a holiday party with college friends and while you aren’t necessarily trying to come off as 300 times more “OVER IT” than everyone else, it happens anyway. You exude maturity and set the precedent that you’ve adapted to adult life better than everyone else. It’s not because your career has surpassed everyone else’s, or your engaged, it’s because you’re a seasoned enough adult to bitch about taxes while sipping a stirred gin martini with two extra olives.