1. Nothing will ever pique your fancy as much as just staying home on major shopping days. Going to the mall at any point in December, particularly between December 17 and December 24, is the equivalent, in your mind, of entering the Death Star knowing that hundreds of stormtroopers are going to pummel you.
2. You go to the store for three reasons: because something you’ve been saving for is on sale, because you need to buy a gift, or because your pants ripped past the point of repair.
3. You like cooking, but grocery stores stress you the hell out. You think that apps like Instacart that pick up your groceries for you are brilliant, and futuristic, and you wish you could afford them.
4. You have pairs of shoes for specific purposes, not extraneous shoes to pull out “just because.” You own one pair of flats, one pair of sneakers, one pair of heels that are collecting dust in your closet, and either sandals or boots, depending on your location and proximity to the ocean.
5. When you have a wedding to go to, you spend as much time Facebook messaging friends who are the same size as you asking to borrow a dress as some people do shopping for one. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with enjoying your dress-shopping experience, but you DO NOT enjoy it, which is why you end up begging your friends to let you borrow something. You promise to dry clean it and probably won’t forget!
6. Trying to dress for the office is exhausting, because it means keeping your wardrobe up-to-date with business-casual-adjacent clothing, which doesn’t sound like something you want to do. Instead, you went to The Loft once, three years ago, stocked up on pleasant-looking tops, and have been wearing them on a rotating basis ever since.
7. People assume, because you don’t like to shop, that they should get you clothes for the holiday, because, hey! You don’t like to shop! So that’s probably exactly what you want!
8. WRONG. You don’t want people to give you clothes for the holiday because when they inevitably don’t fit, you will have to return them, and then shop for something of equal value, because you end up getting store credit instead of cash, like, 90% of the time.
9. What you’d love for the holidays is an Amazon gift card, so that then, if you do need to shop for anything this year, you can have it s e n t t o y o u r d o o r. Because that is the fucking dream.
10. Even though you might be a huge “Sex and the City” fan, you can’t really call yourself a Samantha, a Charlotte, a Miranda, or a Charlotte, because all of them shop more often than you ever could.
11. Actually. Okay. You’re realizing that you’re being cynical AF, so you’re probably a Miranda.
12. You want to be the chick who’s really into thrift shopping — the female, non-lame Macklemore, if you will — and you love the concept, but if you spend more than 30 minutes hunting for a shirt (not just at a good will, but anywhere), you will lose your shit.
13. Trying on jeans is one of your all-time least favorite activities, right after going to the gynecologist, and cleaning your bathtub.
14. You wish you could find a service that would ship you four week’s worth of cheap-ass candles on the first of every month.
15. You have PTSD from the three weeks you spent trying to find a couch that would fit and look good in your apartment. Couch shopping is awesome for five minutes — you are independent! you have grown up tastes! aesthetics, aesthetics, aesthetics! — and then it blows for the next nine hours.
16. For some, the holidays are a time of joy. The holidays are a time of giving. That’s true for you too, but mostly, the holidays are a time to get every gift online, and then just hope it shows up at people’s houses on time.
17. You know how every kid has their “thing”? Like, some kids are really into dinosaurs, and some kids talked to their imaginary friends, right? Well, you were that kid who cried when your parents tried to take you to the mall.