1. The mom of the friend group assembles everyone to go out promptly at 9 PM. You say, fuck that noise. You’re not trynna go out at 9 PM. You’re the grandma. You have big plans to feed everyone cookies at 9 PM.
2. When you don’t know what to say to your friend who is having serious relationship issues, you offer them a blanket. Blankets mean comfort. You’re really into blankets. Nothing solves relationship issues like wrapping yourself in fleece-y goodness.
3. You also hook your friends up with a sweet-ass cup of steaming hot tea.
4. Speaking of tea, you have a vintage tea kettle that you bring up in conversation on a regular basis.
5. Even if you’re not Jewish, and have no Jewish family members, one of your best friends refers to you as the “Jewish Grandmother” of your crew.
6. You are rarely someone’s go-to when they’re trying to go out out. If they’re trying to take five shots before even leaving the house and end up on top of the bar by 1 AM, you aren’t their first call. They call you eventually, of course, but aren’t hopeful that you’ll say yes if you had to wait until 4 AM to eat drunk pizza. You need the pizza sooner than that.
7. You knit unironically. You made everyone mittens for the holidays. Whenever you date a guy whose mom knits, you instantly connect with her. You exchange emails with said boyfriend’s mother, even if you and the guy broke up two years ago.
8. You are 100% over wearing heels. Heels can kiss your ass. You donated 80% of your stilettos to goodwill, and now exclusively wear wedges and flats. You know what’s sexy? Not hobbling. Walking like a normal person. THAT’S sexy.
9. If you go to a bar, and there isn’t a place for you to sit down, you’re not lasting longer than an hour. When people offer up bar suggestions, you instantly veto any place that doesn’t have booths. Stools aren’t supportive enough. You need to RECLINE.
10. You LOVE puns. You also love old television shows, and watching Casablanca. When a friend says, “Here’s to lookin’ at you, kid,” you go weak in the knees.
11. You have a medicine cabinet in your purse, even though your purse isn’t very big. Cough drops? Check. Vitamin C? Check. Fresh tissues? Check. Hand lotion? Check. Chapstick? Duh. Band-aids? Always.
12. You aren’t cheap, you’re frugal. You know how to pinch pennies and are very good about not overspending. Why grab full-priced drinks when you could go to happy hour?
13. You have no intention of looking sexy in the winter. It’s freezing. You own blanket scarves, infinity scarves, and every other damn kind of scarf on the market. When you and your roommates are getting ready to leave the house, you ask everyone if they’re warm enough and offer hats to anyone who doesn’t have one.
14. You are the friend who invites people over for a glass of wine, and then pushes dessert on them. When friends come over, you bring out pie, cookies, candy, and chocolate, and insist they have an extra slice of everything.
15. Then you try to pack your friends some food in a tupperware to take home with them.
16. Your attitude when giving your friends advice is always, “You can do far better than him/her.” You think your friends are princes and princesses. You think they’re better than everyone they date because you just want the very best for them. You also really want them to have an extra slice of pie.