1. People who try to tell me what to do when I’m driving. Backseat drivers deserve to be called out every so often. Admittedly, a passenger should speak up if the car’s in danger, but otherwise the people reminding me to turn left, when I’ve already put my signal on, are more distracting than they are helpful.
2. All the guys in college who groped for side boob under the guise of putting their arm around my back in a friendly way. I don’t know why some guys think they can casually tuck their arm around your back, under your arm, and then reach a few fingers around to touch your boob. Like, what does that even do for you?
3. Anyone who has ever ghosted on me, both personally and professionally. I’ve had people peace out on me in the working world, and leave me as high and dry as the random guy who abruptly stopped texting back. In either case, there’s always an opportunity to ask someone why they just skipped out on you, but I don’t have those answers, because I’ve never asked.
4. Anyone who didn’t believe I was ever actually going to leave my job to write, or who assumed that I would fail, and have to grovel and try to get my old job back.
5. The people who still think I don’t have a real job, even though I have anywhere from one to four real jobs, depending on the day.
6. The guy who was-but-wasn’t dating me for nine months, who then got back together with his ex girlfriend without mentioning it to me.
7. Anytime someone has openly shit on where I live, where I went to college, what color my hair was, or what have you. I write every insult I’ve ever gotten off as “constructive criticism” instead of standing up for myself and telling people to stop.
8. The internet commenter who told me I was an uneducated twat (their words, not mine) who had never left the country, which was frustrating because I wasn’t born in the country.
9. The kids in elementary school who made fun of me for bringing Indian food in as leftovers, because God forbid someone should have a fucking culture in suburban Massachusetts.
10. Republicans. Or rather, people who parade their values around, but only believe them because their wealthy family told them that’s what they believed. Honestly, there’s a lot of people I know that disagree with me politically and can verbalize exactly why, and what they care about. And I don’t have a problem with them being pro-life, or against government spending, or even in love with George Bush, if they can defend it. But the people who couldn’t tell you why they believe in up instead of down should get challenged once and while, just to prepare them for, like, life.
11. All the bro-y kids that gave me a hard time because I didn’t drink during my freshman year of college. Not drinking is somehow an affront to 18-year-old frat guys, but I never said anything because I was too busy smiling, nodding, or trying to figure out how to pour the shot that they’d handed me over my shoulder.
12. People who think poutine without cheese curds is real poutine. I’m Canadian, trust me, I know about these things.
13. That kid I got stuck working in group projects with for my entire college career. I totally support his journey into stonerdom, but if he could’ve given me a heads up that he wouldn’t be pulling any of his weight, that would’ve been ideal.
14. When I started my first full-time job, someone asked me what I did before I worked with them. I told them what my first job out of college had been, to which they responded, “Oh, so you’ve never had a real job until now.” I never said anything, because I assumed they were right.
15. The gymnastics coach that told me I’d get fat if I quit the sport. I quit anyway, but never told her that eating a regular diet, getting yelled at less often, and finally going through puberty, didn’t actually make me fat, it just made me a human being with hips and such.
16. Anyone who has ever yelled the words, “CHUG,” in my general direction, and then hovered over me like a college professor looking over your shoulder during midterms, waiting for me to drain the cup.
17. The friend who once reached over and pulled up my shirt. If my neckline is problematic, you are more than welcome to say something, and I honestly won’t be offended. But you can’t reach over and pull my shirt up. That is not a “best friendship” thing. That is a get-your-hands-the-fuck-off-my-shirt thing.
18. Distant Indian grand uncles that didn’t understand why I wasn’t going to Harvard, because sometimes it’s hard to explain to relatives that not everyone goes to an ivy league school.
19. Anyone who’s ever bitchily told me to go home when I came into school or work and coughed ONCE. I understand politely mentioning to someone who clearly has a flu that they should consider going home sick. But the nasty people who say, “You’re going to get me sick, so LEAVE,” deserved to be called out. Also, I’m not sorry for coughing in their direction.
20. Any boss who has ever started a sentence with, “I know you’re not an intern but—” and then proceeded to ask me to organize their filing cabinet, or get them a coffee with three splendas.