1. You can never give definitive advice to anyone. You can provide several different opinions, and an argument from every angle but you can never actually tell a close friend what they should do.
2. You cannot Tinder successfully because you’re too caught up on the implications of a right swipe.
3. You are hesitant to call yourself a “fan” of anything because it seems too committal. Like, you enjoyed a specific movie. Or you think you liked that band. Or that comedian. But, did you? They made that one borderline joke. Maybe you don’t want to identify as one of their fans.
4. There are many skills you are blessed with, but “closing” isn’t one of them. You have a hard time asking for exactly what you want because you’re too busy worrying that you’re bothering them, or that they don’t want the same things as you.
5. You have go-tos but you can’t branch out and it has nothing to do with leaving your comfort zone. It has everything to do with the fact that you can’t narrow down all the new places you should try, so you end up not trying any of them.
6. Grown ups shouldn’t take this long to dress themselves. You need a uniform for life. You try to poll other people on what you should wear when going out, then suspect that whoever makes suggestions had ulterior motives behind their recommendations. Then you have an internal struggle about your outfit, and finally end up in the same outfit you wore two weeks ago.
7. It takes you far too long to craft a tweet, Facebook message, Instagram post, etc. Because, like, what if you’re offending your girlfriend’s cousin who follows you? There are just too many factors to consider. The ratio of times you try to post in a given week, compared to the amount you actually post in a week is about 8:1, because you draft things and then think better of posting them about 90% of the time.
8. Answering simple “get to know you” questions when you meet someone — questions about favorite movies, bands, current favorite songs — is stressful as hell.
9. And after you meet someone you replay the conversation 800 times just to make sure you didn’t say anything wrong. You decide there’s a good chance you did, and proceed to lose 90 minutes of sleep going back and forth on whether you answered a certain question correctly.
10. Shopping for a dress you need for a wedding, or just for groceries at the local store, takes you 3 hours longer than it should because you can’t make a choice about anything. There are different brands to compare, various price points and too many options.
11. Trying to choose a route based on the 3 options your GPS provides, or deciding which metro line will get you there fastest, or even which side of the street to walk on, makes you late. Constantly.
12. You play too fast and loose with your channel changer, to the extent that flipping through channels, or turning a radio dial has become an indulgent nervous habit you do without even realizing it.
13. When someone asks whether you want paper or plastic, you hold up the grocery line.
14. You are a people pleaser to an almost ridiculous degree. You don’t ever want other people to be disappointed with the choices you make, so you try to take everyone’s preferences into consideration.
15. This means you end up polling everyone when you need to make a decision. There’s essentially a Gallup poll on your life. You have a lengthy reflection on your own experiences and then cross reference it with each person’s opinion. Then (and only then) do you turn to the pro-con list.
16. You often end up skipping a workout because, really, is the 20 minute run you’re going to go on really worth it for the fact that you’ll have to shower and redo your hair afterward? And if it is worth it, do you want to go for a run, or check the yoga schedule? Forget going to the gym. You can’t be put in front of a treadmill, a stairmaster, and the weight machines and be expected to pick one.
17. You’re unable to pick a dinner spot, because you want to suggest your favorite place, but really it’d be better if someone else suggested it, so you don’t look overbearing. So you say nothing and then let the group take 45 minutes to decide on dinner.
18. Major life commitments of any kind require a ridiculous amount of deliberation. You’re not just going to spontaneously get a tattoo, or buy a ticket to Paris. Even getting into serious relationships aren’t just a “follow your heart” kind of thing. Relationships take time because you need to know the commitment is worthwhile before jumping in.
19. You still don’t have a pet because even if you want a dog today, do you want a dog for the next 20 years? Are you morbid for thinking about a dog’s life span in terms of your life priorities?
20. When you finally make a decision, you spend an excessive amount of time regretting said decision, and wondering if it’s too late to change your mind.