They’re perfect. You’ll say it all the time. They’re amazing. You don’t know what you’d do without them. They love you, unconditionally. Blindly.
The problem with someone loving you blindly is they miss it when your reciprocation doesn’t quite match up.
Your affection doesn’t match up. You’ll notice it after a little time has passed, but will let it go unacknowledged. Little things will start to bother you, but you’ll chalk them up to small incidents and sweep them under the rug. It will occur to you that if little things bother you, it’s probably the result of something bigger. That thought will stick long after you want it to pass.
You’ll start putting on headphones rather than listening to the sound of their voice or even the sound of their silence, the way they fidget, their whisper, the sound their hands make against the paper as they turn the page of a book. You’ll listen to your own music even though theirs is probably just as good. It’s probably better.
You’ll pick fights and you’ll know that you’re in the wrong because there isn’t actually anything to fight about. But you’ll do it anyway and you won’t be able to stop yourself and even after they give you everything you were asking for, and more just to shut you up, you still aren’t satisfied. You’ll pout, turn away, go for a walk, say you don’t want spend the night with them. And you still won’t know why.
The irrationality of your actions will become too apparent, and your behavior will annoy you. You’ll remind yourself that you’re lucky to have them in your life. Then start toying with the idea that they’re perfect and you’re not. Wonder if you’re just getting in your own way.
You’ll get drunk without them. Meet someone, flirt a little. Lean in too far, think better of it. You’ll never go too far, but the temptation makes you feel guilty. You get caught up on the fact that they deserve better. Feel like shit that you can’t give that to them. Have another drink.
You’ll want to stay because all they need to be happy is for you to stay. And you want to make them happy. It would be so easy, all you’d have to do is pretend that these thoughts didn’t exist, and you would still end up with someone perfect.
It becomes clear that you’ll have to be the one to leave, and the thought will make you sick. You know in their eyes, you’ll be the one who left and didn’t look back. The one who knowingly hurt them: The winner. But you don’t want to be the winner. When you’re the person who doesn’t look back, all it means is you’re the person who couldn’t face them because it would break you down completely.
You’ll leave eventually. You’ll leave because they deserve someone who will understand how incredible they are and will yearn for them in a way you never did. In a way that you so badly wanted to, but never did.